Another Hurdle to Face... With Faith.

So many times I have been at a point where I am finally feeling peace, happiness, and hope. I feel like I will be able to conquer anything. Sometimes these feelings last months, sometimes they are only for a minute. I know that I can do hard things, but there have been a few times where I wasn't sure if I could go on. Those darkest moments in my life haven't been frequent, but have happened on more occasions than I choose to remember. One of those dark moments came over me this past weekend... I have never in my entire life felt more love, more acceptance, more care than I did when I was married to the man I thought would be mine forever. I truly felt like I was beautiful after feeling like I was the ugliest person to walk the earth for so long. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt confidence that I had never remembered ever feeling in my life. I felt like I could do things. I felt like I could be me. I finally found me again. I truly felt that I was the most important thing to the person I loved more than I ever thought I could love. Nobody showed love for me in the way he did in my entire life. He was there no matter what. He comforted me. He held me when I didn't have the strength to fight my battle with bulimia and he told me I could do it. I knew he believed in me. I knew he had faith in me. I finally felt like I was worth living for. Nobody was as tender with me. Nobody was more patient. Nobody was more aware of what I needed. He was my strength. He was my everything. It all happened so fast. I was so quickly replaced for a substance, a different lifestyle, and the hardest part...another women. How? How could someone that showed so much love, patience, and care, fake it for so long? Why did he use me? Why did he do this to me? I would have been better of just dying like I was about to before he swooped in and carried me through. How could someone do this to a person that they found so broken, put them back together, and then be the one to break them again? How can someone hurt and hurt and hurt so badly, and on top of it try to take the only thing I have left, my precious angels? I wasn't always the best wife. I started resenting him being sick all the time. I started resenting so many hard things like not having a consistent job, always breaking a bone, or leaving at times that I needed him so badly. I lost patience. I wasn't kind often times. I wasn't near as patient as he was with me. I had/have so many flaws that I needed to work harder on. But one thing NEVER changed. My love. I loved him. I loved him so much, I was willing to live in hell for nearly 3 straight years just so I could keep him. I was trying so hard to fix what was not in my power to fix. I was trying so hard that it consumed me. I was a mother. I was entrusted with my two precious angels, and I wasn't fulfilling this sacred calling because every, single, ounce of energy I had went into investigating, interrogating, fighting, worrying, and trying to save what was not in my power to save. I was not being the mom that I was sent here to be, that my angels deserved. I was making myself crazy, and getting absolutely no where, but only on a downward spiral trying to fight a battle that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't win. I wanted to save our family. We were sealed for time and all eternity. We were meant to be together to raise our precious angels, and to nourish their "tiny testimonies". No two people were more perfect for each other. I now have to swallow the fact that he doesn't care. He so easily gave up, and moved on with a women that he was with when we were still married. A person he met because they shared a common desire for a substance that took over their lives. A women that he denied ever being with over and over. He so easily let go. How could he have ever possibly loved me? How? He didn't. I can't believe I was so stupid to believe someone could love me like I thought he did. So stupid. How could someone do this to another human being and not even look back, not even care, and now try to take the dearest and most precious blessings I have. I can't possibly let my angels go with a person they don't even know anymore. A person that they have felt so abandoned by. We were finally happy. FINALLY. WHY?
   These are the thoughts, that took over my whole being this past weekend. It has been yet another hurdle that I have had to face. I truly felt so hopeless. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. It was my precious angel's 11th birthday. I couldn't do this to him. I am so incredibly worried about all the trauma and pain they have already been through in their little lives. They can't go through more. They are so happy right now. They are so content. They can't have more turmoil and stress in this way. I have to help them. I have to protect them. They are so precious. They deserve only happiness. They have so much they already have to deal with just in growing up during these times. How could I possibly function after facing what is now in our path? I had to. I knelt down. I plead with my Heavenly Father to please help me. Please help me to be the mom I should be. Please help me not revert back to what once was our day to day lives. I plead with Him to please carry me. Please take this from me. My Savior paid the price. He knows. He knows exactly how I feel. He carried me once again. HE LIVES. He not only carried me through that day, He has so quickly helped me realize that I AM worth it. I am ok. I am going to come out on top. I can do this. My angels can do this. We will continue to be happy. We have the Savior right by our sides. We are going through things for a reason. All I need to do is lay these burdens at His feet. He is there. He is ALWAYS there. ALWAYS. I can do hard things. I will be strong. I will have faith in Him. I will.