"We're Married." The hardest words I've ever heard.

 It has been a week since the words, "We're Married", have been ringing in my mind. This week has definitely been one of ups and downs. Koley turned 11 last Saturday. I wasn't sure what to expect as J had emailed me on Christmas a few weeks ago after not hearing from him for almost a year. He told me he wanted to see the kids. It shook me up a bit. The kids and I had finally moved forward and we were on the road to recovery. I didn't expect it. The kids didn't expect it. I didn't know how to reply. So I didn't.
 Last Saturday I didn't know if he would try to see the kids or not because of it being Koley's birthday. We woke up and were getting ready because Koley wanted to go to breakfast for his birthday. Addie was upstairs getting ready. She came downstairs with two cards in her hand. "Mom, these were in the door." She said it hesitantly, as if she knew they were from her dad. The card to her was telling her how excited he is to spend time with her and be with her again. He also said that he had overcome his addiction. Koley's card was more telling him happy birthday. Addie didn't want me to give Koley's to him because she knew it would upset him. I agreed. We went to breakfast and as we were sitting there, my phone lit up showing I had an email. I looked and saw it was from J. My heart fell to my stomach. I knew I shouldn't have read it right then, but I did. He was telling me that because it was Koleman's birthday he really wanted to see the kids that day. He told me he gave me an adequate amount of time to email him back from the emails he sent on Christmas, and if I didn't comply he would have to get the law involved to be able to see his kids. He said he didn't want to do that, and that he really just wants to see them. He then told me he has been clean for 8 months plus, and is doing really well. He told me he has drug tests to prove is sobriety. He then said when the kids were with him, nobody would be around expect for his mom and the rest of his family. If only he knew that seeing not only him, but also anyone in his family is definitely something the kids were not wanting. He then said not to worry that Lisa (the girl he was with even when we were married) would not be around until he spoke with me about it. He said she would never take my place as their mother. The crazy thing about that is he NEVER EVER has admitted having anything more than a friendly relationship with her. He only ever denied anything about her when I would ask. He told me she was only helping him. And the very last conversation we ever had, he was in jail. He told me he loved me and that he wanted to get help. He was wanting me to help him get into a rehab by contacting an old mission companion and seeing if he could help pay. It may sound weird to anyone on the outside, but to be completely honest, the drugs haven't been the hardest thing to swallow throughout this whole thing. The most damaging and hurtful thing has been the other women that he was unfaithful to me with. She was with him even when we were still married. I saw texts. I had outside people tell me, not knowing I was his wife. I had evidence all over the place, but he NEVER would admit it. So after he told me he loved me, for what seemed like the billionth time, I asked about Lisa. He didn't deny their relationship, but he got upset and told me that I need to stop assuming things. He told me that it didn't matter what he said, I already had it made up in my mind what was going on with her. That was our very last conversation up to this point. He ended this email by saying that he hoped we can work this out as friends... I lost it. I tried with every ounce of strength to keep the tears from coming. I couldn't do this to my kids, especially on my precious boy's birthday. I told the kids I would be right back. I went to the back of the restaurant and sobbed, hoping nobody would see me, especially Addie and Koley. My parents were out of town. I needed someone. I almost couldn't stand up. I called my brother. He came right over to the restaurant. I went back in with the kids and tried to gain my composure. They both immediately asked what was wrong. I told them I just didn't feel well. They're not stupid. My brother got there. I walked out and told him what was going on. As we were outside, Koley comes out and says, "Mom, I am your son and I deserve to know what is wrong." I told him he was exactly right and that I would talk to him about it when we got home. He wouldn't back down. He wanted an explanation right there and then. I just kept telling him that I was sad, but that I would soon be just fine. He finally agreed to let me talk about it at home. When we got home, I told the kids that their dad wanted to be a part of their lives again. Koley immediately went into meltdown mode. He was screaming and yelling. He wrapped himself tightly in a blanket and between sobs and screams he would say, "I can't have him in my life. Why does he want to be in my life?" Addie was quiet. That was the usual response from her whenever her dad was brought up. I asked her what she was thinking. She wouldn't talk much, she only shrugged her shoulders. I told her that if she wanted to see her dad it was ok, and that it was a good thing. She looked at me and firmly said, "I don't." I told her that I know that he loves her and misses her. I told her he wants to try and be the dad she deserves. She replied, "He doesn't deserve to be with us." I was scared. I didn't know what J was going to try and do. He said he was clean, but I have heard that before. I know that in the divorce decree he has supervised visitation rights once a week. I told Addie that legally if he wants to see her I have to allow it. She looked at me with tears streaming down her cheeks and whispered, "But don't I get a say?" I wanted to literally take my babies and run. I wanted to run where nobody would know where we were. I wanted to hide and never come back. I went in the other room and plead with my Heavenly Father to please help me. Please help us all. I needed Him. I couldn't do this. I am not strong enough. It was already almost four o' clock. Koley's birthday was not going as planned. I was having a party for him that started at five thirty and didn't have anything prepared for it. I couldn't compose myself. I was scared. Koley had finally cried himself to sleep, and Addie had a friend and my nephew distracting her. I was scared what would happen if I replied to the email. I was scared what would happen if I didn't. For the past few years, no matter how hard I tried to help J know that I wasn't trying to ruin his relationship with his kids, he would twist it around and the way things were, was all my fault. I felt inspired to simply email him back and ask if there was a phone number that I could reach him at. So I did. I didn't hear back for a while. He then responded and told me I could reach him at his mom's. I picked up my phone and dialed the number. It took me literally ten minutes to hit the send button. I was shaking uncontrollably. I was trying to focus solely on the fact that my Heavenly Father was in charge. He wouldn't leave me. It rang twice. "Hello?" It was him. I immediately started sobbing. I missed that voice. "J? This is Andrea." He was very nice. He asked how I was doing. I told him that I wasn't doing well. I told him we weren't expecting him to be in our lives again. I told him how the kids were feeling. I told him how I was feeling. This conversation was very different than the conversations I was used to for the past few years. He listened. He didn't try to talk over me. He didn't yell at me. He even owned some things that I mentioned were difficult for the kids and I. He told me he was doing better than ever. I was glad to hear that, but at the same time it hurt. He was doing better than ever without his family? He told me he had made amends with the most important relationships in his life, except for his kids. I felt like a knife went through my heart. As selfish as it sounds I was thinking, "but what about me?" I didn't divorce him because I didn't love him anymore. I divorced a lifestyle that I couldn't live, that my kids couldn't live, that wasn't safe, that wasn't functional, that I couldn't fix as hard as I tried and as much as I wanted to. He told me he was in counseling, and I could tell he was by the way he was speaking. I wanted him to tell me where Lisa fit in all of this. He didn't. He told me he was working, and he lived with his mom. I wanted to ask, but was so scared. Finally I told him that his email confused me a bit. He asked what was confusing. I told him the part where he talked about Lisa and that she wouldn't take my place as a mother. He hesitantly said, "Well I'm with her." "What does that mean?", I asked. "We're married." I sat there for a few seconds and literally needed to vomit. I said, "I gotta go", and hung the phone up. Those were some of the hardest words I have EVER had to hear. They just kept playing over and over in my mind. He's married to a woman that he was with when he was still married to me. He's married to a women that he met through drug abuse. He's married. It hurts. It hurts worse than any amount of emotional pain I have ever felt. I was not the best wife in the world. When it came down to the end of our marriage, I wasn't patient. I didn't handle things in the best way. I was cold towards him. I was always angry with him. Whenever I talked to him, it seemed to be an interrogation. But I loved him. I wanted SO badly to make our family be together. We were meant to be an eternal family. I loved this man. I LOVE this man. Although this last week has been a tough one to swallow, I am SO grateful. I literally can feel my Heavenly Father carrying me right through. He is there. He knows what is best. He has a plan for me, for Addie, and for Koleman. I have never in all my life been closer to Him. He is the way. He is the truth. He is the light. He is what happiness is. He didn't bring me this far to let me fall. It is simply another road block that I am finding my way around. I love Him with ALL that I am. In Stake Conference today a man gave a great talk and he talked about how hard things bring joy. We can do anything with faith, prayer, hope, and the gospel in our lives. This I KNOW TO BE TRUE. I KNOW IT!!! I love J. He is a son of God. He is an amazing person that let go of the iron rod. He, too, is loved more than can be comprehended by our Heavenly Father. He truly is one of the most amazing people. He deserves to be happy as well.