After almost two years...

Dear J,

    I wasn't sure what you were going to do next. I have actually been really uneasy about it. I knew that you were not going to let up on seeing the kids. I prayed about it, and felt that it would be best to take control and allow you to see them. I emailed you Friday night and told you that you could come see them Sunday (today) at 5:00. I told you that it would be at our house where they both felt most comfortable. I told you that they were not wanting this to happen and very scared. You emailed me back the next morning and told me you would be there. All day yesterday and today my stomach was in knots. I didn't feel scared though. I felt more of a peaceful feeling. I told the kids you were coming. Addie's first reaction was that she would run and hide at her friend's house. Koley went into meltdown mode. I pulled them together and tried to help them understand it was something I could no longer keep from happening. Legally, you have the right to see them. My brother came over yesterday and gave us priesthood blessings. They were exactly what we needed. In my blessing he told me that the Lord hasn't only been there to help me along this path, but that He hasn't left my side. Oh how I have felt that! He has been carrying me through life the past several years and I KNOW because of Him, I have been able to keep going.
     This morning we got up and got ready for church. Koley started to meltdown a bit. I reminded him of the blessing he was given and the prayers we said. I told him that I know Heavenly Father is guiding us and right there with us. He calmed down. We went to church. After Sacrament Meeting I took Koley to his class. I started walking to my own class and saw him dart out of his classroom and down the hall. I turned around and followed. I found him in the foyer curled up in a ball on the couch. I told him that everything would be ok and that primary is exactly where he should be right now. He went back to his class. I was walking to my class again when I heard him screaming and yelling. I went back. His primary teacher is AMAZING. She has an Autistic daughter as well and is so good with Koley. She told me everything would be fine and that she could handle it. I made sure she knew what he was melting down about and told her if I needed to I would just take him home. She said she would come get me if needed. I went through the rest of our meetings and didn't have her come get me. I went and checked on him once and saw him laying on the floor in the corner of his classroom in a ball. He was calm, so I didn't take him.
     After church I told the kids that they needed to be real with you. I told them if they felt like giving you a hug to give you a hug, if they didn't want to they didn't have to. I told them they could do whatever they needed to make them feel at ease. Before you came over, Koley came up to me and told me that he was just going to hide under his bed and only come out to "tell dad what a butt he is". Oh dear...this will be interesting.
     My amazing brother came over to be a support to me as my parents are out of town. I was literally shaking as the clock read 4:56. I felt like I was going to throw up. Five o'clock came and there was a knock at the door. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I opened the door. You looked different, but good. I awkwardly said hi, you said hi. I grabbed the kids. When Addie walked in you couldn't get over how tall she is and how old she has gotten. I went downstairs and got Koley and he only would come up if he knew my brother was there too. He came up said hi and ran back downstairs. It was extremely awkward. You asked Addie about school, her friends, what she liked to do for fun. She so sweetly answered. She was very uneasy, but handled things with such grace. Koleman, all on his own, came upstairs, walked over to you and gave you a big hug. I can't even begin to describe how proud I was of my two angels today. They taught me, yet again, another lesson today. They are hurt. They are confused. They are scared. But they faced the situation today head on and handled it better than I ever could or would have. They weren't fake. They didn't let their guard down. They were gracious. They showed love in the way they should have. They did this despite the trauma they have been through because of your choices. I feel like the Lord, once again, guided me. I feel that this interaction with you is healing for them. I feel like they can have closure with things. They can move on now, past the hurt and begin to really heal. Addie actually really enjoyed talking to you.
   For me, it wasn't as easy to see you. I could tell that the drug abuse has really affected your thought process, like you seem to be a bit slower in speech and what not. The kids would never pick up on that, but I did. I couldn't look at you. I sat across the room just looking at the ground. You asked me how school was going. I looked over at you and the first thing I see was your wedding ring. I felt knives go through my heart, yet again.
     I felt like the real J was shining through more than I have seen in over three years. I was so happy to see that, but at the same time it hurt. We were even laughing together and joking like we used to toward the end of your visit. It was so natural. Yet it was heart wrenching. This is how our family should be. It was how it was meant to be. But it will never be again. You moved on with someone else. It hurts so bad feeling like you moved on so easily and didn't even look back. I didn't know how to feel. It was so good to see the kids the way they were with you. But I felt like my heart was ripped out and stomped on.
    You didn't stay long. Not even an hour. You were leaving. You gave Addie a hug. You gave Koleman a hug. You gave my brother a hug. I just hung back. I knew you wouldn't give me a hug. You're married now. You walked over, leaned down and gave me a hug too. "It was so good to see you Sam", you said. Sam was a nickname you called me for so long (it is like a long story as to why that is my nickname). You said you want to do something fun with the kids in the next couple of weeks and then you were gone.
     I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I just want it to be the way it was supposed to be. But I KNOW that my Heavenly Father is in charge. The way I think it's supposed to be, must not be the way it really is supposed to be. He will stay with me. He will help me get through these overwhelming emotions. He knows. He has a plan for me. I need to keep my faith in Him. He will guide me. I have every reason to be happy. I just want to stop hurting. Will it ever really stop?