Priorities and Self-Worth.

I know I sound like a scratchy, annoying, broken record.  Today (well the last week and a half actually) has just been one of those times where life seems to be too much to handle. Addie asked me tonight, "Mom, why do you always disagree when I give you a compliment?" Oh. My. Goodness. I'm doing what I vowed I would never do to her. I'm not being the example I want her to be around. An example of confidence and happiness with who I am. I can't let my example wear off on her...but tonight, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My insecurities, my stresses, my low self esteem, it's all wearing off on her. Sure at the age of almost 13, insecurities arise, but I am only accelerating the process and making it far worse than it would be if she had a mom that was happy with who she was. I thought I was good at faking it. Obviously I'm not. I keep thinking to myself, why? Why are you SO down on yourself ALL THE TIME!! I really try to be happy in my own skin, lots of times, I am. Then I'll let Satan put those stupid thoughts in my mind yet again; "you're not pretty enough. You're not smart enough. You're not likeable. You're failing at being the mom you want to be and should be, etc." I have been believing those thoughts way too often lately. I sat at a high school basketball game last night and truly wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I don't fit in. I don't have money, I don't have my own home, I don't fit the mold of how the world thinks you should look, I'm not athletic, I don't have any major talents... I could go on and on, but I won't because I know those expectations, those thoughts, they only come from one place... Satan. I do fit in the most important places, with my precious kiddos at home, and with my fifth graders. Those places are where every ounce of my joy comes from. First and foremost holding the sacred calling of being a mother. I am beyond blessed. My angels are my life, they're my joy, they're my biggest fans, they're my greatest teachers. They are my world and what an amazing world it is. I also have the privelege to surround myself with sweet young spirits every single day. They come from all different backgrounds, they have all different talents, personalities, struggles, strengths, but one thing is the same, they are all precious children of God. They all want to feel love and accepted just like I do. They all need someone to believe in them, to support them, to cheer them on, to help them realize their potential. We all need those things. So as I sit and feel sorry for myself because I don't fit the mold of what the world accepts as beautiful, successful, rich, and talented, I'm not only being selfish, but I'm seeing things with tunnel vision. I'm beautiful because I am a daughter of God. I'm successful because my biggest desire is to stay close to my Heavenly Father. I'm rich because I have the most valuable treasures that no earthly material item can hold a candle to, my two angels, and the gospel. I'm talented enough that Heavenly Father entrusted me with the most sacred calling anyone could ever hold, motherhood. These are the things that matter. It's difficult to always remember that when we have to live in a world so focused on how we look, where we live, what we drive, how many hours we spend at the gym, making sure our kids are in every sport and activity they can be in so they're accepted and "popular", traveling to every beautiful exotic place to say we've been there, etc. Don't read that the wrong way, we should take care of ourselves by exercising and being clean and presentable. We should make sure our kids are involved in activities. We should take the opportunity to travel and experience the beauty the world has to offer. What I meant was all of those things shouldn't define who we are. We shouldn't be so obsessed with those things that we aren't doing/seeing things that truly matter. I have a lot to work on. I need to accept me for who I am because I know my Heavenly Father didn't send me here to fail, to feel unacceptable, and to compare myself to everyone around me. He sent ALL of us here to do amazing things. We (I being the most in need) need to refocus our priorities, thoughts, and actions to some extent. We have so much to be grateful for!! We have the opportunity to learn, progress, and become who we were sent here to be so that we can live with our Heavenly Father and the Savior again!! I need to always remember. Always.