Thoughts for tonight...
Dear J,
I come here to write to you as if you would actually be reading this. I know that it isn't happening, but it helps to get my thoughts out somewhere. So I have been thinking a lot this past week about how things have come to pass . I can't say that the way things are now is my idea of an ideal situation. In fact, it is actually still the hardest thing I am still trying to work through. The last email I received from you, you were very confused and almost angry at my reluctance in allowing you to see our precious kiddos. You have been very business-like and seem to be completely unaware, or maybe more so, choosing not to acknowledge what the recent events have done to me and more importantly the kids. You told me you don't understand why I wouldn't want the kids to have a father in their lives. You said you thought I said you were a great father. You said that it is vital that you be in their lives and you do it now. Although I agree with most of what you said, you still aren't listening to what I am saying. The kids do deserve to have a father. You WERE a great father. At this point it is not even my choice in them wanting to see you. I am trying so hard not to be upset, not to be hurt once again. It is SO hard. It seems obvious that you haven't stopped to think about all of the times the kids and I would do anything to be with you. All the times we had our hopes up to do something with you, and you wouldn't show up, or you would show up and not seem to want to be with us. All the times we would have dropped EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to be with you. What about Christmas when all three of us were waiting all day for you to come and be with us and you didn't show up until 9 that night? What about Addie's 11th birthday (the last time you saw the kids) when she asked me all morning when you were coming and you didn't show up until almost 9:30 that night? What about three years in a row your daughter waiting with tears in her eyes at her dance review worrying you wouldn't make it to escort her out and you barely making it in time? What about their birthdays, Christmases, and all the other important events the last several years that you weren't there for? Not only haven't you been there, but we couldn't ask you to be there if we wanted because there was NO WAY of knowing where you were, or how to get a hold of you. And now you are pushing to make it so that it can once again be on your timeline at your convenience when you feel that you have the right to be in their lives. You haven't considered once what I have been trying to tell you. We were moving on with our lives. We were at such a great place. We were at peace with the fact that it was always just going to be the three of us now. We were NOT in any way expecting you to try to waltz back in, and not only waltz back in, but with a new wife and kids. I have been talking with the kids a lot about how you really want to be a part of their lives now. I have told them all along how much you love them, that you were taken by the horrible addiction that took over your life. I have only wanted them to remember the good memories, so that is what I would remind them of. Now they are BEGGING me to PLEASE not make them allow you in their lives. I know you love them. I know your life must be miserable without them. I truly can't even imagine. It would be the worst thing I could think of to have happen to me. I just wish SO badly you would have taken into consideration them before you made the choices you did. I wish you would have thought about them when you were initially confronted about misusing your prescription. I wish you would have asked for help. I wish you would have thought of them when you knew your life was starting to spiral out of control and reached out for help then. I wish you would have thought of them when you up and married another person that you now feel should be a part of their lives when they are adamant that they NEVER have to even see a picture of her. I know that I can't change the past. I couldn't have even if I knew what was actually happening way back when. We all have our agency. I am working with the kids to help them get to a place where they will one day want to have you in their lives. I just want you to understand so badly. I want you to love them enough to think about their needs, their healing process, their concerns. I want you to be in their lives as hard as it is going to be for me to have you in their lives knowing that we will NEVER be a family again. When you told me that you hope that it isn't my own hurt that is keeping you from being in their lives, I can't even express how deeply that hurt. It just reminded me that you really don't have any idea. I want my kids to be happy more than anything in this world. That is my top priority, my prayer, my focus. Of course it hurts that you have hurt and hurt and hurt me and don't really even acknowledge it, but I WOULD NOT stand in the way of my children's happiness and best interest if I knew it would be good for them to have you just pop in their lives again. I am praying to know what is the best way to go about it. What will be the best way to do this for THEIR sakes, not my own. They don't even know you. They don't know your family. They don't know your wife. Addie is always SO scared you're just going to show up. She begs me to let her move to her friends, or to just move all of us far away so you don't know where we are. I want to do all that I should to make this right. I want to be there for you and to allow you to make reconciliation with our precious angels. I want you to heal yourself. I want nothing more than for you to truly be happy. I really truly want that. Right now I hope and pray every single day/night that I can do things the way my Heavenly Father would want me to for me, for you, and especially for our kids who deserve the best.
I love you J. I know you are amazing. I know you are a son of God. I know He loves you. I know He is there for all of us. I know He will direct and guide me to do what is best if I will listen and do the things that are in line with His commandments. I know it.
I come here to write to you as if you would actually be reading this. I know that it isn't happening, but it helps to get my thoughts out somewhere. So I have been thinking a lot this past week about how things have come to pass . I can't say that the way things are now is my idea of an ideal situation. In fact, it is actually still the hardest thing I am still trying to work through. The last email I received from you, you were very confused and almost angry at my reluctance in allowing you to see our precious kiddos. You have been very business-like and seem to be completely unaware, or maybe more so, choosing not to acknowledge what the recent events have done to me and more importantly the kids. You told me you don't understand why I wouldn't want the kids to have a father in their lives. You said you thought I said you were a great father. You said that it is vital that you be in their lives and you do it now. Although I agree with most of what you said, you still aren't listening to what I am saying. The kids do deserve to have a father. You WERE a great father. At this point it is not even my choice in them wanting to see you. I am trying so hard not to be upset, not to be hurt once again. It is SO hard. It seems obvious that you haven't stopped to think about all of the times the kids and I would do anything to be with you. All the times we had our hopes up to do something with you, and you wouldn't show up, or you would show up and not seem to want to be with us. All the times we would have dropped EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to be with you. What about Christmas when all three of us were waiting all day for you to come and be with us and you didn't show up until 9 that night? What about Addie's 11th birthday (the last time you saw the kids) when she asked me all morning when you were coming and you didn't show up until almost 9:30 that night? What about three years in a row your daughter waiting with tears in her eyes at her dance review worrying you wouldn't make it to escort her out and you barely making it in time? What about their birthdays, Christmases, and all the other important events the last several years that you weren't there for? Not only haven't you been there, but we couldn't ask you to be there if we wanted because there was NO WAY of knowing where you were, or how to get a hold of you. And now you are pushing to make it so that it can once again be on your timeline at your convenience when you feel that you have the right to be in their lives. You haven't considered once what I have been trying to tell you. We were moving on with our lives. We were at such a great place. We were at peace with the fact that it was always just going to be the three of us now. We were NOT in any way expecting you to try to waltz back in, and not only waltz back in, but with a new wife and kids. I have been talking with the kids a lot about how you really want to be a part of their lives now. I have told them all along how much you love them, that you were taken by the horrible addiction that took over your life. I have only wanted them to remember the good memories, so that is what I would remind them of. Now they are BEGGING me to PLEASE not make them allow you in their lives. I know you love them. I know your life must be miserable without them. I truly can't even imagine. It would be the worst thing I could think of to have happen to me. I just wish SO badly you would have taken into consideration them before you made the choices you did. I wish you would have thought about them when you were initially confronted about misusing your prescription. I wish you would have asked for help. I wish you would have thought of them when you knew your life was starting to spiral out of control and reached out for help then. I wish you would have thought of them when you up and married another person that you now feel should be a part of their lives when they are adamant that they NEVER have to even see a picture of her. I know that I can't change the past. I couldn't have even if I knew what was actually happening way back when. We all have our agency. I am working with the kids to help them get to a place where they will one day want to have you in their lives. I just want you to understand so badly. I want you to love them enough to think about their needs, their healing process, their concerns. I want you to be in their lives as hard as it is going to be for me to have you in their lives knowing that we will NEVER be a family again. When you told me that you hope that it isn't my own hurt that is keeping you from being in their lives, I can't even express how deeply that hurt. It just reminded me that you really don't have any idea. I want my kids to be happy more than anything in this world. That is my top priority, my prayer, my focus. Of course it hurts that you have hurt and hurt and hurt me and don't really even acknowledge it, but I WOULD NOT stand in the way of my children's happiness and best interest if I knew it would be good for them to have you just pop in their lives again. I am praying to know what is the best way to go about it. What will be the best way to do this for THEIR sakes, not my own. They don't even know you. They don't know your family. They don't know your wife. Addie is always SO scared you're just going to show up. She begs me to let her move to her friends, or to just move all of us far away so you don't know where we are. I want to do all that I should to make this right. I want to be there for you and to allow you to make reconciliation with our precious angels. I want you to heal yourself. I want nothing more than for you to truly be happy. I really truly want that. Right now I hope and pray every single day/night that I can do things the way my Heavenly Father would want me to for me, for you, and especially for our kids who deserve the best.I love you J. I know you are amazing. I know you are a son of God. I know He loves you. I know He is there for all of us. I know He will direct and guide me to do what is best if I will listen and do the things that are in line with His commandments. I know it.
This letter just ripped my heart out. So much love and supprot heading your way. ((hugs))
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