He Knows.
Lately, getting out of bed in the morning has been quite the chore. I am so unsure what the new day will bring. Will I do well teaching at school today? Will I be able to help the students in my class understand the content they need to know? Will I be able to get the millions of things done that I need to do? How will Addie be today? Will she be happy? Will she feel good about herself, or think she's not pretty enough, or that people don't like her? How about Koley? Will he have a good day? Will he melt down at school? What can I do better for him? Will I get a job? What if I don't? I can't even support the kids now living in my parents house for free. How will I be able to get our own house and not have to rely on help from others? Will we have to move so I can have a job? Will I even be a good teacher? Will I hear from J today? I never know. Will he want to see the kids again? I don't know how to help the kids. How do I help them overcome the trauma they've been through? These are the thoughts that plague my mind all day everyday. Talk about not having the faith I need. I'll pray, feel confident about knowing that it is in the Lord's Hands. I'll do well for a while, and then the doubts, fears, and worries sneak in again. Sometimes I feel so alone, the fear is almost tangible. I feel like I'm in a pit that just keeps getting deeper and deeper and no matter how hard I try, I can't climb out, I just keep getting pulled further and further down.
Tonight while Addie and I were at our Young Women activity, Addie brings her phone to me with a text that says, "Addie is this you?" To which she responded, "Yes, who is this?" I felt like it most certainly could be her dad. I didn't focus on it until we got home. I asked Addie if I could see her phone again. No response. She asked again, who it was. The kids and I read scriptures and after we were done, Addie hands me her phone, "This is your dad. How are you? How is your wrist? I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I miss you. I can't wait to see you again. Did you get your cast off yet?" Addie replied, "How did you get my number?" No response for a bit, and then, "Kristian (his niece) gave it to me a long time ago." Addie didn't know what to say. She told him she got her cast off and that she was doing well. He told her to think of something fun she'd like to do with he and Koley soon. She told him she wasn't sure if she wanted to. He then told her that he didn't even know for sure if it was her he was talking to (as I'm sure he thought it was me) and that he would wait and talk to her about it in person. She was confused and asked him what he meant. He told her he didn't know if he was really talking to her or someone else (me), and that he would talk to her face to face about serious things. He then asked what she meant when she said she didn't know if she wanted to. She just told him she had to go to bed and that she loved him. I asked her again what she wanted. She said she didn't want to see him.
Last week she went on an orchestra field trip to Hurricane High School. J's mom's backyard backs the high school football field. When I was in the class with my students, I notice a call coming through my phone from Addie. I couldn't answer it because I was in the class. I noticed she called a few more times. As soon as the kids were out at recess I talked to her. She told me she just needed to talk to me. She said she didn't like the feeling she had. I asked her if something happened with her friends or something with the field trip. She said nothing happened, she just didn't like how she felt being in Hurricane. She said they had to eat their lunches outside on the field and as she ate she looked over at his mom's house and just kept thinking it was so weird that he lived in that house. She said she just wanted to come home.
I'm struggling so much lately. I can't explain the hurt I feel. I asked J if I could talk to him. I just want to feel closure. I want to understand why. Why he was so adamant that I am the one that left him? Why does he think it would be ok to stay with him when he was living a life that was a complete lie? When he was unfaithful to me with the girl he's now married to. He totally distegarded when I asked if I could talk to him sometime. After all the trauma and pain not only I have been through, but more so my precious Angels have had to endure, he doesn't care. He won't even give me a half hour of his time. I was most certainly not the wife I always should have been. I am far from being who I should have been and wanted to be, but even still, we were sealed for time and all eternity. We were meant to be together for eternity. I just want to stop hurting. I want to move on. I want to be ok with who I am. I want not to feel lonely. I want to be the mom I should be for my angels. I just want to let go. I'm a broken record. How can someone hurt the people they are supposed to love the most so badly and then never acknowledge it, never even say sorry, and actually just continue to slap you in the face over and over again?
Last Sunday in young women as I was able to sit and listen to an absolutely beautiful lesson on the Atonement, I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. It seems like nobody gets it. Nobody understands why I can't just move forward and be happy. Even I don't understand. He understands. He felt every feeling I feel. He felt the pain, the loneliness, the fear, the worry. He knows what it's like. He is there always. He paid the price so that I can place these burdens at His feet and live with Him again. Thinking of that opportunity to be able to live with He and my Heavenly Father again, it gives me what I need to stay strong. I am so grateful for Him.
Today, once again, being able to hear beautiful talks in sacrament meeting, and again in young women about the Atonement, helped me to stop and realize I'm never alone. He is there always. Every single second He is there. He knows the overwhelming feelings I'm having. He knows the pain I feel. I can't even begin to express the gratitude I have for He and my loving Heavenly Father. They're always there. The Atonment isn't there for only for us to repent of our sins, It is there to remind us who we are, who we were sent here to be, and remind us why we are here. What our goal is. Because of Him, I can be with my precious Angels for eternity. I'm never alone. Never.
Tonight while Addie and I were at our Young Women activity, Addie brings her phone to me with a text that says, "Addie is this you?" To which she responded, "Yes, who is this?" I felt like it most certainly could be her dad. I didn't focus on it until we got home. I asked Addie if I could see her phone again. No response. She asked again, who it was. The kids and I read scriptures and after we were done, Addie hands me her phone, "This is your dad. How are you? How is your wrist? I have been thinking about you a lot lately and I miss you. I can't wait to see you again. Did you get your cast off yet?" Addie replied, "How did you get my number?" No response for a bit, and then, "Kristian (his niece) gave it to me a long time ago." Addie didn't know what to say. She told him she got her cast off and that she was doing well. He told her to think of something fun she'd like to do with he and Koley soon. She told him she wasn't sure if she wanted to. He then told her that he didn't even know for sure if it was her he was talking to (as I'm sure he thought it was me) and that he would wait and talk to her about it in person. She was confused and asked him what he meant. He told her he didn't know if he was really talking to her or someone else (me), and that he would talk to her face to face about serious things. He then asked what she meant when she said she didn't know if she wanted to. She just told him she had to go to bed and that she loved him. I asked her again what she wanted. She said she didn't want to see him.
Last week she went on an orchestra field trip to Hurricane High School. J's mom's backyard backs the high school football field. When I was in the class with my students, I notice a call coming through my phone from Addie. I couldn't answer it because I was in the class. I noticed she called a few more times. As soon as the kids were out at recess I talked to her. She told me she just needed to talk to me. She said she didn't like the feeling she had. I asked her if something happened with her friends or something with the field trip. She said nothing happened, she just didn't like how she felt being in Hurricane. She said they had to eat their lunches outside on the field and as she ate she looked over at his mom's house and just kept thinking it was so weird that he lived in that house. She said she just wanted to come home.
I'm struggling so much lately. I can't explain the hurt I feel. I asked J if I could talk to him. I just want to feel closure. I want to understand why. Why he was so adamant that I am the one that left him? Why does he think it would be ok to stay with him when he was living a life that was a complete lie? When he was unfaithful to me with the girl he's now married to. He totally distegarded when I asked if I could talk to him sometime. After all the trauma and pain not only I have been through, but more so my precious Angels have had to endure, he doesn't care. He won't even give me a half hour of his time. I was most certainly not the wife I always should have been. I am far from being who I should have been and wanted to be, but even still, we were sealed for time and all eternity. We were meant to be together for eternity. I just want to stop hurting. I want to move on. I want to be ok with who I am. I want not to feel lonely. I want to be the mom I should be for my angels. I just want to let go. I'm a broken record. How can someone hurt the people they are supposed to love the most so badly and then never acknowledge it, never even say sorry, and actually just continue to slap you in the face over and over again?
Last Sunday in young women as I was able to sit and listen to an absolutely beautiful lesson on the Atonement, I was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. It seems like nobody gets it. Nobody understands why I can't just move forward and be happy. Even I don't understand. He understands. He felt every feeling I feel. He felt the pain, the loneliness, the fear, the worry. He knows what it's like. He is there always. He paid the price so that I can place these burdens at His feet and live with Him again. Thinking of that opportunity to be able to live with He and my Heavenly Father again, it gives me what I need to stay strong. I am so grateful for Him.
Today, once again, being able to hear beautiful talks in sacrament meeting, and again in young women about the Atonement, helped me to stop and realize I'm never alone. He is there always. Every single second He is there. He knows the overwhelming feelings I'm having. He knows the pain I feel. I can't even begin to express the gratitude I have for He and my loving Heavenly Father. They're always there. The Atonment isn't there for only for us to repent of our sins, It is there to remind us who we are, who we were sent here to be, and remind us why we are here. What our goal is. Because of Him, I can be with my precious Angels for eternity. I'm never alone. Never.
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