Don't Give Up.

I wake up. Today I have to look perfect. I need to look professional. I can't blow it. EVERYTHING is riding on today. It determines if I can finally get my own home with just my own little family. It determines how I will plan financially. It determines if there will FINALLY be some stability in my life, but even more importantly, my children's lives. I nervously finish getting ready. I head to school. It's 9:30. I let the students in. I have homework packets ready for the week. Spelling is ready. I'm happy to see the students after a long four day weekend. I'm feeling confident. I'm happy. I'm nervous. Ten thirty comes a LOT faster than I expected. I rush out the door. The nervousness takes over. The thoughts begin; "Did I prepare well enough? I am probably not near as good as people I'm up against." I pull up to the school district. About to head out. Oh. My. Goodness. I forgot my resumes at school!! I get back in the car and fly to the school. I make it back to the district. I am still early enough, but not as early as I wanted to be. I say about the billionth prayer that morning before I head in. I check in and wait. Watching all the people I'm competing against go in and out. I'm surprisingly calm, but worried at the same time. They call my name. I enter a room. Three principals stand up behind a huge table. They are kind but very businesslike. I shake their hands, introduce myself, and the first question is asked. A question I was beyond prepared for. I froze. I managed to spit out some long answer that wasn't near what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it. My thoughts were everywhere. I couldn't focus. The next question was a question I was not at all prepared for. A question that didn't even cross my mind when preparing. I choked. Sweat dripping down my face. The room started spinning. I was going to vomit. Two more questions followed. I honestly don't even remember what they were or how I answered them. I wanted to crawl in a hole. I sounded like the most incompetent idiot in the world. I'm sure the principals were wondering how I even was accepted into the elementary education program. I thank them for their time. Walk out the door and walk right into the next interview. Three more principals. They were much more relaxed than the first three. So I relaxed a bit. It went a tiny bit better, but still not great. I finish, walk out the door and start sobbing. I blew it. I go back to school and head straight out to recess duty. That's exactly what I needed. To be surrounded by the students. I relaxed. I forgot for a minute how horrible the last three hours were. I talk to a friend that interviewed as well after I was done at school. She already had a call for an interview at a school. I heard nothing... Yesterday I go to school. I'm bombarded by people asking how it went. I was honest. I just wanted to go home and hide from the world. After school I find out three other girls in my cohort that interviewed at the district all had two more interviews that day. I still heard nothing. How am I going to do this? How am I going to afford anything? Dance, food, gas, let alone a house? Two years of literally working my tail off every single day, never going to bed before midnight, sacrificing seeing my kids do things, lots of tears, etc. It seems like at this point that it was all for nothing. Ok I know I am being dramatic, but it is truly how it felt/feels. Today... No phone calls. Nothing. I have been applying at other school districts around Utah. I told the kids I don't know what will happen, but there is about a 70% chance we're going to be moving...Koley cried all night. Addie tried to seem ok and supportive, but I knew she was feeling terrified and heart broken. So many unknowns. How long will we have to live in such an unsettled state? Not knowing when we'll get our own house, where we'll live, what I'll do for a job, how I'll afford ANYTHING, on top of being so unsettled and worried about fitting their dad in the picture when Addie wants nothing to do with him and seeing him for me is way too much to handle. I have been crying for three days straight. Not sleeping. Not being able to eat. A constant headache. Stomach in knots. Poor me right?..... NO! Not poor me. It's more of a poor attitude. The Lord did not tell me to go back to school, to become a teacher, to help get me into the program, to place AMAZING mentors and people in my life along the way for nothing! His hand has guided me right through. I am giving up. I'm losing hope. My faith is not strong like it was or should be. I need to STOP IT!!!!! I have best life. I will not give up. It isn't ok or easy, but the Lord led me and directed me and will guide me always.