Be Grateful for What you Have...ALWAYS.

My goodness, Satan is relentless. It is exhausting at times trying to always make sure I am constantly on guard to not let him get me down. I have just come to learn that no matter what, no matter how great things are going, no matter what goals you have accomplished, Satan will still be right there trying so desperately to pull you down. I hate how I sound so negative so much, but I really use this as my out, as a way to let out what it is that is worrying me, causing me grief, or just things that are hard for me to handle. So I apologize if you actually read this and feel like it is a downer. Like I just said, no matter how wonderful things are going, satan will always be right there trying to make you not be happy. He will do all he can to make it so you'll compare yourself to others, feel inferior, and never good enough.
I have been feeling so sorry for myself lately. I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I love that it is a cheap, easy, and fun way to keep a photo journal. I love how it helps me be able to stay connected with people that I never get to see. However, I have a lot of bad feelings about it too. As the kids have been out of school for the summer for a week now, it has been nice to unwind a bit. However, it seems as if I am the only one on the planet that can't afford to go on a vacation with my kids. My feed on Instagram the past week has been bombarded with pictures of people on vacations all over from Hawaii, Italy, California, Florida, even just up north to Salt Lake. I started to feel jealous and depressed a little bit. I would love to get away somewhere, even if it was just up north, but I can't. I can barely afford to put gas in my car to drive around town. These feelings and thoughts were consuming me this week. Then to make it a billion times worse, I noticed Addie was feeling down. I kept asking her what was wrong. She would fake a smile and just say, "nothing I'm fine." I know her better than that. I finally got a text from her when she was at her friend's house. It said,

"I just want to be done. I know you can't do anything about this but everyone goes to California, Hawaii, boating, Lagoon, just all these fun places. Then they complain that they only get to go to California twice this year, while I am sitting there like well I don't get to go at all. Then everyone is like always saying how their house isn't big enough, or doesn't have a pool, or isn't as pretty as other people's. Then I'm there like well I don't even have a house. It's just so hard. I know you can't do anything about it because of what has happened in our family, but it is just so so hard. I know the more trials I have it just makes me stronger but I can't deal with it anymore. I also know I shouldn't be saying I have such a bad life because I have an amazing life and other people have it way worse than me. I am so blessed to have what I have. I'm sorry. I just need to stop. I'm so sorry, I just really needed to get that out."

Oh man, how do you respond to that? I really didn't know at first. The thing is, what I needed to say was that we have SO much to be grateful for, and WE DO! But, I also knew exactly how she was feeling from a grown lady's point of view I guess. I start feeling down about not having our own house, not being able to let Addie do more dance classes, not being able to go on vacations, not even being able to make ends meet without having a house most months. We always seem to have things work out, but the worry and stress seems to always linger. Don't take this the wrong way. We are above and beyond blessed with more than we can ask for in the most important aspects. It is just hard to live in an environment where you and your kids associate with people that you love and adore, but that you have very little in common with as far as being able to do the same things, and live the same lifestyle. Sometimes I can't even join in on conversations because the topic is traveling to Hawaii and comparing notes about their trips. Oh my word, WHAAAA WHAAAA right? I am so pathetic. I get upset that it is so hard for me. Well today I have a new perspective...

As I was scrolling through the Instagram feed, I wasn't so focused on the vacations, or the new things people had, but I was more looking at the families. Complete families. Husbands who adore their wives and children. Families that are doing things together. That's what I noticed. I just yearn for that at times. I ADORE my babies. Being with them is pure joy. It is my heaven. But I also want them to have a mom and dad that adore each other. They deserve that. I don't ever want what I express on this to come off the wrong way at all. I just am expressing my real feelings. Again, I have said it before, I wish I could be more humble and stronger, able to deal with adversity in a more graceful manner, but I am not that amazing!! I totally understand that once in a while we can get bugged, or upset with each other, and I am guilty of that way too often with the people I love the most. One thing that is really hard is to see amazing husbands (and wives) being taken for granted. I know that when I was on cloud 9 with the best husband in the world, I took what I had for granted way too often. I just want people to realize what they have, including me. It is so hard for me to hear women (or men) talk down about their spouse when I would give anything to have the relationships they have. I am probably not even making a bit of sense in any way, but I am just trying to get out all of these yucky feelings once again.

Yesterday in church, it being the fifth Sunday of the month, for the third hour the Relief Society, Priesthood, Young Men, and Young Women all met together. The topic that was discussed during that hour was pornography. The bishopric taught this lesson. At the very beginning they showed a video put out by the church. It was extremely hard for me to watch. It showed a split screen. On one side it showed a father/husband that was doing all that he could to avoid the temptations of pornography, and on the other it showed him giving into the temptation and the effects it had on himself and his family. As I watched it, I felt like I was watching the last few years of our marriage in a three minute video. J hiding, not paying much attention to the kids, coming to bed late (or not at all), never being home or going to things with the kids and I. I am shocked at how no matter what the addiction, it seems the actions that coincide with addiction are the same. Seclusion, anger, mood swings, secretive, etc. (Click HERE to see the video.) It also made me step back and think about how my precious kids faces must have looked as they watched their dad leave for the last time. I was so distraught and beside my self that I didn't really think about how they looked, their fear, their worry, their sadness. I did think about it, don't get me wrong, but when your in such a broken place yourself, it is hard to really understand the full capacity of what others are going through as well, even your own children. I was trying to deal with the immense pain I was feeling not only for them, but for myself as well. I hope that doesn't sound selfish, and maybe it is, but it was really how it was. It makes me sick actually to think that I was so broken I couldn't even be the mom I should have been for my precious babies at that time. As time has gone on, and I have been able to slowly start healing, I have definitely noticed that Addie especially, hasn't healed from things. She has internalized all the pain, guilt, trauma, hurt, fear, and heartache. She has not even scratched the surface in opening up and conveying what this has done to her. My focus has most certainly been put into a much more important perspective. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, and my kids for not being able to have the worldly things that play an irrelevant role in our eternal salvation, I have been focusing more on what it is I can/need to do to help foster those things that are only going to bring us closer to our Heavenly Father. The things that are TRULY important and the ONLY things that will help all three of us not only stay on the right path, but the path to really helping us heal and progress. A path that will only take us forward and help us to stay strong and faithful. Am I still worried about money and not having the temporary happiness that "worldly things" bring us? Unfortunately, I am, but that worry has been lessened as I focus on the things that bring TRUE happiness and joy. I am not going to lie, it is something that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I have to consciously work on to not let myself go to that place of feeling sad for not being able to go on fun vacations, not having our own home, not being able to do the fun extra curricular activities that are out there, not having the fanciest and latest trends and technology. It is a definite struggle as that is what our society is most focused on. But when I am having a hard time getting out of the rut I'm in, I am making it a matter of prayer. Unfortunately, like I've said many times before, I am not a strong enough person on my own to just be able to put the sad feelings aside and focus on all that I do have (which is more than most people). I am constantly needing His help. I'm hoping that eventually I will be able to get to that place, where I can just automatically stop comparing the things we don't have, and the things I wish we could have and do, but to being perfectly content and happy for the MANY things we do have, the MOST IMPORTANT things that are so hard to remember are what bring true happiness as we are bombarded with messages, pictures, and comparisons of things that only bring temporary happiness (if even any happiness at all). I need to be grateful, because I am blessed above and beyond with the things that bring true everlasting happiness. I need to be grateful...ALWAYS!!!