Never Alone...Even Amidst Your Darkest Days.

I feel like I have come to a breaking point in my life. Today was a day where I haven't ever experienced the overwhelming feelings of sadness, worry, hopelessness, and loneliness like I did today. Not even in all that has gone on in the last several years of my life. These feelings today were so dark, so full of fear and not faith that I almost couldn't breathe at one point. Pretty dramatic, I know. However dramatic, these feelings brought me to my knees pleading aloud to my Heavenly Father to please take them from me. I was letting Satan take the reins on how I was feeling. I not only let him take the reins, but hopped off and totally gave him full control. Faith and fear cannot exist together right? Exactly. Satan is trying full force to ruin good things all over the place; families, marriages, missionary work, self worth, hope, and feeling peace. Unfortunately I'm doing a great job, once again, at letting him win...
  I've experienced going through the death of a loved one more than once. Extremely difficult to say the least. I've experienced being betrayed and abandoned by a person I was supposed to be with for eternity. That was an extremely dark, dark, lonely time. One that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. One that if told I was going to experience before I actually did, I would have probably died of fear before it even happened. I've experienced the overwhelming amount of hurt, sadness, and pain when the person that already hurt not only myself, but my children walked away as if it wasn't even a second thought and now has a new family. I didn't think I would or could EVER feel such darkness in my life again...until now. This darkness isn't the same. It isn't filled with yucky feelings caused by a totally foreign, disgusting lifestyle being thrown at me like it was then. This time it's caused from a brightness, goodness, Something so right, being ripped from me. I've never experienced a more clear, profound, definitive answer as to having this piece in my life. The hardest part is, before this piece was given to complete what I didn't realize was missing, I was so happy. I was finally content, feeling peace, moving forward with a calm peaceful mind. Then I was introduced to this piece that I didn't realize I needed so badly to complete the happiness I was finally feeling. Only to have it almost taunt me just showing me that it was exactly what I needed and then ripped right out from under me. I'm not usually one to be angry for having trials because of how much I've learned and grown and been refined because of them. I'm not angry still, but am so confused as to why. Why does this have to happen? Why am I not able to have what so many others have? Why am I not good enough? I was so happy. Now I feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness, fear, loss, and no matter how hard I pray, no matter how many conference talks I listen to, or how thouroughly I search the scriptures, I'm not feeling the peace I so desperately need right now. 
 I know I am the one in charge of my happiness. I know it's up to me to figure out and then do what I need to to be happy. I know I have a million reasons to be happy. I truly know all of this. Right now, I can't explain the feelings I'm having. They're definitely not feelings I know how to handle or where to place. It's not like I'm feeling sorry for myself or trying to get sympathy. I just truly, honestly don't know what to do to overcome the overwhelming darkness that seems to surround me and it is so hard.  Somehow I need to pull myself out of the deep pit I've fallen in.
 So I turn to the general conference articles. Randomly pick one, and it ends up being a talk by President Monson from the October 2013 General Women's meeting titled, "We Never Walk Alone." Once again, exactly what I need. He says in this beautiful talk, "We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise: “Pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.” What a blessing to be reminded at this moment, I do not walk alone. My Savior is right there. He has carried me before, and if I ask and seek Him, He will carry me again. Today in my sweet little primary class one of my precious kids that I have the privilege of being with each week said, "Jesus never hurts anyone's feelings. Did you know He never was even mean to His friends even when they were mean to Him?" So sweet, so simple, yet so profound. From the mouth of babes. He is always there. Even when we turn from Him, He NEVER turns from us. EVER. He is right there with me. He knows exactly how I'm feeling. He knows the overwhelming amount of hopelessness and loss that has consumed me. He knows. I love Him more than I can EVER express. He is the way out of this pit of despair. He is providing the companionship I need as I feel so alone. His love is there, always there. Whether we deserve His love or not, we receive it. President Monson also said this, " I promise you that you will one day stand aside and look at your difficult times, and you will realize that He was always there beside you." What a beautiful promise! But what's even more beautiful, is we can feel Him standing beside us right now, if we only seek Him, ask Him, and have faith in Him. I love Him so much.