For several years I have gradually built walls, and armed myself with as much protection as I could. I am not a very strong person and truly am fearful of letting my guard down because I am not one of these amazing people that can face trial after trial with such grace and strength. I've guarded myself in every relationship I have; with family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. I try to a fault to please people. I didn't realize until I just recently talked with a good friend, I'm fearful of getting too close to people because I'm afraid they'll hurt me or leave me. So my solution to that problem, I try not to allow myself to even go there. My walls have been extremely tall and thick, until just recently. I have worn my heart on my sleeve these last few months and it's been SO difficult. I want to continue to guard myself from more pain, I can't handle it because I'm certainly not that strong. I have had an experience that made me realize that being strong doesn't mean I hide behind walls and put on a thick layer of armor. Being strong means regardless of what may come, breaking down these walls that refrain me from showing my true heart and feelings, making myself completely vulnerable to more hurt and rejection, so that people know how I truly care, that is courageous. Doing so has caused more pain. More rejection. More confusion. More fear. However, doing so has allowed me to open my heart again. It has allowed me to convey what is in my heart, instead of hiding. It has allowed me to realize I can love more deeply. I am having such crazy feelings as a result of letting the huge walls down. Although I was able to recently convey how I truly feel, it has been SO hard to do so. What has made it even more of a nightmare is having these strong feelings not reciprocated. Along with hurt from that has come doubt in who I am, not feeling of any worth, and down right embarrassment. It's the worst feeling to care so much and to not get it in return. I NEVER wanted to go through such pain again. It makes me wonder why? Why people can care so deeply for someone that feels nothing for you in return? I would think it would only be natural to care so much for others that valued you, cared about you, wanted to be with you regardless of flaws or circumstances. However, as I have pondered this the past few days, I have come to realize that maybe the person/people you feel strongly for have their own struggles that they're battling. Maybe they do care more than it seems. Maybe they don't. At any rate, it's ok to care for people that don't feel the same for you. Even though it feels as though it makes you weak and even may make you feel desperate, I have come to realize it is actually opposite. I have been weak in guarding myself for so long. I have been weak in holding back feelings for others in fear of getting rejected. I have been weak in putting up a front that I don't care if others don't care for me. In tearing down these weaknesses and being bold enough to declare my true feelings, although causing MUCH pain and embarrassment for myself, I realize that it's ok to wear your heart on your sleeve. It's a good thing to show/tell others you love and care for them. I don't think there is anyone in this world that doesn't need to feel that they are cared for. I know that is what our Savior devoted His life to. Loving, caring, and serving all around him. There should be no shame in showing your heart and the feelings that reside inside, even if the feelings are not reciprocated.
For several years I have gradually built walls, and armed myself with as much protection as I could. I am not a very strong person and truly am fearful of letting my guard down because I am not one of these amazing people that can face trial after trial with such grace and strength. I've guarded myself in every relationship I have; with family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. I try to a fault to please people. I didn't realize until I just recently talked with a good friend, I'm fearful of getting too close to people because I'm afraid they'll hurt me or leave me. So my solution to that problem, I try not to allow myself to even go there. My walls have been extremely tall and thick, until just recently. I have worn my heart on my sleeve these last few months and it's been SO difficult. I want to continue to guard myself from more pain, I can't handle it because I'm certainly not that strong. I have had an experience that made me realize that being strong doesn't mean I hide behind walls and put on a thick layer of armor. Being strong means regardless of what may come, breaking down these walls that refrain me from showing my true heart and feelings, making myself completely vulnerable to more hurt and rejection, so that people know how I truly care, that is courageous. Doing so has caused more pain. More rejection. More confusion. More fear. However, doing so has allowed me to open my heart again. It has allowed me to convey what is in my heart, instead of hiding. It has allowed me to realize I can love more deeply. I am having such crazy feelings as a result of letting the huge walls down. Although I was able to recently convey how I truly feel, it has been SO hard to do so. What has made it even more of a nightmare is having these strong feelings not reciprocated. Along with hurt from that has come doubt in who I am, not feeling of any worth, and down right embarrassment. It's the worst feeling to care so much and to not get it in return. I NEVER wanted to go through such pain again. It makes me wonder why? Why people can care so deeply for someone that feels nothing for you in return? I would think it would only be natural to care so much for others that valued you, cared about you, wanted to be with you regardless of flaws or circumstances. However, as I have pondered this the past few days, I have come to realize that maybe the person/people you feel strongly for have their own struggles that they're battling. Maybe they do care more than it seems. Maybe they don't. At any rate, it's ok to care for people that don't feel the same for you. Even though it feels as though it makes you weak and even may make you feel desperate, I have come to realize it is actually opposite. I have been weak in guarding myself for so long. I have been weak in holding back feelings for others in fear of getting rejected. I have been weak in putting up a front that I don't care if others don't care for me. In tearing down these weaknesses and being bold enough to declare my true feelings, although causing MUCH pain and embarrassment for myself, I realize that it's ok to wear your heart on your sleeve. It's a good thing to show/tell others you love and care for them. I don't think there is anyone in this world that doesn't need to feel that they are cared for. I know that is what our Savior devoted His life to. Loving, caring, and serving all around him. There should be no shame in showing your heart and the feelings that reside inside, even if the feelings are not reciprocated.
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