Faith...the ONLY Way to Endure and Find Joy.

Almost 14 years ago exactly, I remember holding my brand new baby girl in my arms. I was in awe that she was mine. That my Heavenly Father entrusted me to hold such a sacred and beautiful calling. He trusted me to be the one to raise one of His precious children. To teach her, to guide her decisions, to be a righteous example. I was feeling so much joy, yet a bit overwhelmed at the same time. I specifically remember that at that moment, I looked over at my husband and felt grateful that I had a partner in this calling. Someone to pray with me for our precious daughter, and little did I know that just 19 months later we would add to our prayers, our sweet son as well. I felt grateful that he held the priesthood and could be there to bless them. I was blessed to be able to be home with them as it was extremely important to me. I was so grateful for that privilege. However, I remember one specific day as they got to be a little older, Addie just 4 and Koleman almost 3. I was feeling overwhelmed. In a matter of maybe an hour and a half, they had got into a box that had Styrofoam in it broke it up into millions of tiny pieces and were throwing it all over the living room pretending that it was snowing, "painting" my bathroom mirror with toothpaste, and drew a beautiful picture with permanent marker on my brand new couch. I remember when their dad got home how relieved I felt to see him. I was happy to let him take over for a bit! It felt like one of the hardest days ever! Oh to only realize what a matter of seven years would bring, I would go back to that day in a heartbeat!...

I NEVER fathomed I would one day have to take over the role of being both mom and dad. That I wouldn't have someone that I could talk to when I needed help making a parental decision and getting input and guidance from a spouse as well. I didn't realize how hard it would be to feel the weight of providing solely on my own for the two of them. Knowing they only have me to be the one to provide the physical necessities of life. They solely rely on me to be there when they are sick, to listen when they are sad, to comfort when they are scared, and to help when they are stuck. This recent school year has been one of many, many ups, but even many more downs. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, and I am sure at this point that is the way this is looking, but I really am heading somewhere with this that is positive. :) It has been almost three years since I have been officially divorced, seven years since we have really been a functional family unit. Just in the last five months have I seen the effects it has had on Addie. She is a normal teenager. Struggling to feel good about how she looks, where she fits in with friends, and dealing with the pressures that come just from being this age. However, this past little while has been extremely difficult as she has displayed fear, anger, and sadness that I have never seen from her. She was SO confident, and now is so hesitant to be herself. Always afraid she's not going to be accepted or that people will up and leave her for something better. There have been nights that I haven't been there for her like I should be because I am at school trying to be prepared for the next day. Many days when she texts me from school saying she can't face being there and me not being able to even call her to comfort her as I am with my own students. Many times when she has needed me to just be there to hold her and give her my time, and I didn't because I was trying to do the best I could to provide and to be a success in my new career as a teacher. I didn't say I couldn't be there for her... I simply wasn't. I would weigh what I should do. Not sure if I should risk not having a job to support them so I could run home and be there for her, instead of just talking to her on the phone. I have been so consumed with making sure that I am providing financially, trying to figure out my own emotions and feelings as another wrench has been thrown in the mix with me personally, and in turn, not being even a fraction of the mom I want to be and should be for my children. Not there like I should be to make sure they are getting their homework turned in. Not there to make sure they are eating healthy. Not there to give them my undivided attention. Not there to monitor their phone and iPad use like I should be. Not having family home evenings that are really meaningful, or discussing the scriptures, only reading them. Some days when I get home from school, I am so drained not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well that I can barely even carry on a conversation. As the last day of school was just this past Wednesday, I have replayed this year in my mind over and over. I have had a nightmare twice since then about being the absolute worst parent that ever lived. They not only lack a father, but have a mother that isn't near where she should be in providing the emotional support they need. I have literally been pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me. I feel like I have failed in all aspects as a mother this past nine months. I feel that I have been pulled in a million different directions, so instead of persevering and relying on the Lord to support me, I just have shut down. It has been a lesson that I have certainly needed to learn, and unfortunately, not only have I learned the hard way, but my kids have had to endure me getting to this point as well. I have not been the example I should be of putting complete faith and absolute trust in the Lord. I was able to jump some of the most difficult hurdles that have EVER been placed before me because I did put my faith in Him. Why I haven't had that same faith these past several months, I don't know. Actually, I do know. I have let so many distractions all around me take over that I haven't ALLOWED the Lord to step in. I haven't turned to Him like I should have been. I haven't placed my trust in Him and put this at His feet. He knows what I need. He knows what is best. He has been waiting for me to allow Him to help. To ask him with more fervency and to trust in Him more fully. Without Him, I couldn't do this single parenting. I haven't done it without His help. I testify with every ounce of my heart that the only way to get through ANY trials that we face, is to turn to Him. Sure, we are going to make MANY mistakes (me probably millions) along the path, but I have sincerely learned that if we are doing all in our power to do those things that not only will bring us closer to Him, but that will help us place our complete faith Him, we can get through anything. We can not only get through anything, but we can enjoy the journey through whatever it is we are enduring. We can be happy. We can feel peace. We can find the strength we need to hold tight to the iron rod and not let go even for a second.