14 Years Ago...
Fourteen years ago yesterday, I felt excited and nervous as I was dressed all in white. My tummy was so big I couldn't see my feet. I was so grateful that my precious baby girl that was to arrive soon, was going to be born in the covenant. She was going to be mine forever! That day was the beginning of what I thought would be eternity... Last night as I sat in the temple, I reflected back to that day. I remembered feeling her kick almost excitedly as though she knew what was happening. She knew that we were being sealed as an eternal family. Little did I know that only three short days later she was going to join our family. I thought about the time line of events from that day to today over the course of fourteen years. NEVER on that special day 14 years ago, would I have ever guessed in a billion years, that the events that played out in the next 14 years would take place. Little did I know just 19 short months after Addie was born, Koleman would join our eternal family. When Koleman was born, I knew he was special. EVERYONE is special, but this was a different kind of special. I felt he needed to be tested. Something was different. Not a bad different, but different nonetheless. At the age of 3 (almost 4) he was diagnosed as being on the Autistic Spectrum. Although I never thought I would have my own child with special needs, I can't ever describe in words what a gift he has been. He teaches me daily. He is so full of insight. He is truly a blessing that I never imagined I'd have.
I didn't know that three years after Koleman was diagnosed, I would have the strong feeling that I needed to enroll in school, to become a teacher. I NEVER wanted to be a teacher, or at least I never thought of that. Addie in second grade, Koley in kindergarten. I was LOVING being a stay-at-home mom. I spent a lot of time in both of their classrooms volunteering. I loved it. I distinctly remember the night I had that feeling. We didn't live far from the elementary school that they attended. One night I took them on a walk to the school to play on the playground. I remember watching them play and then looking over at the school, seeing doors decorated with artwork done by the students. I can't explain the feeling, but I had a thought come into my mind, "You need to go back to school, and you need to be a teacher." I almost had an argument in my head with myself. I didn't want to go back to school with my kids being so young still. And a teacher?! What in the world?!! There is no way I could amount to that!! But the feeling of me needing to go back was so strong, and so clear. I couldn't deny it. I almost wondered if my husband was going to die prematurely and I would have to be the sole provider for my kids. The next week I enrolled for the coming fall semester to finish my generals. After finishing them, I applied and was accepted into the Elementary Education program at Dixie State University.
Little, did I know on that day 14 years ago as I was sealed to my husband, that it wasn't going to be for eternity with him. As I was going through my schooling, it started to become apparent as to the urgency of me needing to go back to school. The reason I needed to obtain a career that would be ideal for a mom. Especially a single mom that actually was going to be the sole provider for her children, but not because of her husband dying prematurely like she thought maybe could possibly be the reasoning behind the urgency she felt to enroll in school.
NEVER would I have thought that to be what my life would end up as. It is absolutely crazy what life brings. Although things have happened that truly were as if I was living a nightmare, I am grateful. Through all of these unexpected, extremely hard events that have taken place in the last 14 years, I can't begin to describe the lessons I've learned, the strength I've gained, the faith I was actually forced to lean on to make it through, and most important to me, the relationship I have now with my Heavenly Father and the testimony I have obtained. There were days I literally felt as though I couldn't even function. I felt as if I were in a hole of despair and pain that I couldn't get out of. I felt alone. I felt like I couldn't go on. Those days were when I literally could do nothing to ease the pain so I would pray. I would pray for what, at times, seemed like hours. The only thing that brought any relief was to pray. This is where my faith was forced to be strengthened. This is how I gained the relationship that I don't know I ever would have or could have in this way, with my Heavenly Father.
It is inevitable that we are going to all have days when we feel down, overwhelmed, maybe even hopeless, or a sense of despair. When such days come it is almost vital that we have something to ease that pain, something to look forward to, or something to give some hope. The awesome thing is, Heavenly Father knows all. He knows best. He knows our fears, our doubts, our pain, our desires, our weaknesses, and our strengths. He knows what we need when we need it. He will willingly provide a way to obtain the things we want and need. He WANTS to provide that way. The only thing He requires is that we ask. We put our faith forward. We lean on Him. He gave us the most incredible gift that has EVER or will EVER be given. He gave us His Son. Our Savior, gave His life for us. He suffered, he felt ALL that we feel. EVERY heartache, every pain, every ounce of anger, distress, fear. He WILLINGLY felt these things, and then gave His life for us. He did this so that we could have the opportunity to repent. To come unto Him. To place our burdens at His feet. To never feel alone, as He has felt all that we feel. He is the ONLY one to feel everything we have and will. All we need to do (and I say this to myself more than anyone) is to willingly place every ounce of our faith in Him, in our Heavenly Father. My favorite talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland is entitled, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come." In this talk he says, "Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!"
He expects us to believe! He wants us to believe in Him. He does know all. He does know what is best. The key to obtain hope, happiness, and peace is to allow Him to take our burdens. Believe in Him and have the faith needed to know that He will provide a way for us. He will give us all that we need. This has been the most valuable thing I have gained the past 14 years. This knowledge. To actually have no choice but to rely on Him. I wouldn't trade the last 14 years for anything in this world. Nothing. Not even the heartache, the pain, or the despair. I am beyond grateful for this gospel. I am beyond grateful for the plan of salvation. I am beyond grateful for the temple and the opportunity I have to live with my two angels once again for eternity. I am beyond blessed.
I didn't know that three years after Koleman was diagnosed, I would have the strong feeling that I needed to enroll in school, to become a teacher. I NEVER wanted to be a teacher, or at least I never thought of that. Addie in second grade, Koley in kindergarten. I was LOVING being a stay-at-home mom. I spent a lot of time in both of their classrooms volunteering. I loved it. I distinctly remember the night I had that feeling. We didn't live far from the elementary school that they attended. One night I took them on a walk to the school to play on the playground. I remember watching them play and then looking over at the school, seeing doors decorated with artwork done by the students. I can't explain the feeling, but I had a thought come into my mind, "You need to go back to school, and you need to be a teacher." I almost had an argument in my head with myself. I didn't want to go back to school with my kids being so young still. And a teacher?! What in the world?!! There is no way I could amount to that!! But the feeling of me needing to go back was so strong, and so clear. I couldn't deny it. I almost wondered if my husband was going to die prematurely and I would have to be the sole provider for my kids. The next week I enrolled for the coming fall semester to finish my generals. After finishing them, I applied and was accepted into the Elementary Education program at Dixie State University.
Little, did I know on that day 14 years ago as I was sealed to my husband, that it wasn't going to be for eternity with him. As I was going through my schooling, it started to become apparent as to the urgency of me needing to go back to school. The reason I needed to obtain a career that would be ideal for a mom. Especially a single mom that actually was going to be the sole provider for her children, but not because of her husband dying prematurely like she thought maybe could possibly be the reasoning behind the urgency she felt to enroll in school.
NEVER would I have thought that to be what my life would end up as. It is absolutely crazy what life brings. Although things have happened that truly were as if I was living a nightmare, I am grateful. Through all of these unexpected, extremely hard events that have taken place in the last 14 years, I can't begin to describe the lessons I've learned, the strength I've gained, the faith I was actually forced to lean on to make it through, and most important to me, the relationship I have now with my Heavenly Father and the testimony I have obtained. There were days I literally felt as though I couldn't even function. I felt as if I were in a hole of despair and pain that I couldn't get out of. I felt alone. I felt like I couldn't go on. Those days were when I literally could do nothing to ease the pain so I would pray. I would pray for what, at times, seemed like hours. The only thing that brought any relief was to pray. This is where my faith was forced to be strengthened. This is how I gained the relationship that I don't know I ever would have or could have in this way, with my Heavenly Father.
It is inevitable that we are going to all have days when we feel down, overwhelmed, maybe even hopeless, or a sense of despair. When such days come it is almost vital that we have something to ease that pain, something to look forward to, or something to give some hope. The awesome thing is, Heavenly Father knows all. He knows best. He knows our fears, our doubts, our pain, our desires, our weaknesses, and our strengths. He knows what we need when we need it. He will willingly provide a way to obtain the things we want and need. He WANTS to provide that way. The only thing He requires is that we ask. We put our faith forward. We lean on Him. He gave us the most incredible gift that has EVER or will EVER be given. He gave us His Son. Our Savior, gave His life for us. He suffered, he felt ALL that we feel. EVERY heartache, every pain, every ounce of anger, distress, fear. He WILLINGLY felt these things, and then gave His life for us. He did this so that we could have the opportunity to repent. To come unto Him. To place our burdens at His feet. To never feel alone, as He has felt all that we feel. He is the ONLY one to feel everything we have and will. All we need to do (and I say this to myself more than anyone) is to willingly place every ounce of our faith in Him, in our Heavenly Father. My favorite talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland is entitled, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come." In this talk he says, "Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!"
He expects us to believe! He wants us to believe in Him. He does know all. He does know what is best. The key to obtain hope, happiness, and peace is to allow Him to take our burdens. Believe in Him and have the faith needed to know that He will provide a way for us. He will give us all that we need. This has been the most valuable thing I have gained the past 14 years. This knowledge. To actually have no choice but to rely on Him. I wouldn't trade the last 14 years for anything in this world. Nothing. Not even the heartache, the pain, or the despair. I am beyond grateful for this gospel. I am beyond grateful for the plan of salvation. I am beyond grateful for the temple and the opportunity I have to live with my two angels once again for eternity. I am beyond blessed.
Thank you for sharing and way to be in the temple and doing awesome self care on a potentially triggering day! <3 And I love that Holland quote!
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