Not Necessarily "Picture Perfect"...

 I seem to write about the same redundant things. I guess the reason being is that writing is my out. I feel I can get out all that I am struggling with, and not really necessarily bother anyone (unless someone actually reads this). This afternoon I took the kids to the dentist. We are switching to a new dentist and so I got the fun job of filling out all the paperwork for all three of us. I handed the receptionist my insurance card. She then asked, "Are you married?", to which I of course replied, "No, I am divorced." It still stings every time I say that. Not necessarily because I miss who I was married to, or because I want to be married to him again, but more so because I NEVER thought those words would come out of my mouth. We were called back to see the dentist. First, the kids had their teeth cleaned. As the dental hygienist was cleaning their teeth, we were talking. She asked me where I was from. Then she said, "Oh is your husband from Pleasant Grove too?" Once again, I had to say the dreaded words, "Oh I'm divorced." I have just been struggling so much lately. I don't understand why. I have EVERY reason to be happy. Then today, having to say that awful phrase twice within an hour, it just solidified how I'm feeling. I recently read an awesome article called What We Cannot Afford to Live Without. The author talks about all the struggles that surround us. She then says flat out, life isn't fair. She was feeling discouraged with all of the turmoil in this world, when she received a phone call from a friend. This friend was struggling in her marriage. She writes, "She never imagined that their “for time and all eternity” marriage would mean time apart on earth. She never imagined that the priesthood holder in her home would question the reality of God, question his love for his high school sweetheart, and question whether or not a forever even exists. She never imagined she’d be getting her kids ready and out the door on her own. But here she was. Alone. Living a life she never saw for herself." I felt as though in some ways, I was reading about how my own life panned out to be.

NEVER in a million years did I imagine this life I am now living. Now don't get me wrong, it is an AMAZING life, but a life I did not foresee being mine. I have said this a million and ten times, but all growing up, I just KNEW I would marry in the temple, have four or so children, and live happily ever after. I had this vision intensify as I reached the Young Women age and I sat in on lessons painting the "picture perfect" way our lives should end up being. Of course that is how we want them to be, how our Heavenly Father hopes they are, but He also knows that the idealistic life of marrying perfectly, doesn't always happen. He knows that some of us need such growing experiences, as I did/do. My "picture perfect" life of marrying in the temple was diminished right away as I was married civilly, and had to wait to be sealed a year later. I was devastated. I jumped that hurdle, and life seemed to be right as I had always imagined. However, my "picture perfect" husband wasn't exactly what I had envisioned for myself. Although very patient and loving toward me, the gospel wasn't as important in the same regards to him as it was to me. I always pictured my husband being the one to head up family prayer, scripture study, family home evening, etc. He was always willing to join in happily, but if I wasn't the one to head it up, it most often wouldn't have taken place. Yet again, another hurdle that I was able to work through. I wanted to honor and respect him no matter what. So I prayed for patience through this, and realized that he, himself, didn't have the male example in his home to reiterate the importance of the priesthood power he held. Still not "picture perfect", but we were happy. He was a great dad. 

Fast forward a few years to when Addie was in kindergarten, Koleman about 3. I was wanting so badly to have another baby. I was going to have at least four in my "picture perfect" life. After four miscarriages, it wasn't so picture perfect. It was extremely difficult for me, but yet again, I jumped the hurdle and finally realized how blessed I was to have the two I did, instead of not being able to have any children at all.

I NEVER imagined I would have a child that would have special needs. That wasn't ever a thought in my "picture perfect" life I always imagined. So when I heard the words, "he is autistic", I was scared, confused, sad, and felt a sense of despair. How was I to do this? I didn't know about autism and how to help him.

As time went on, not only was my envisioned "picture perfect" life not panning out at all as I had imagined, it seemed to be crumbling to pieces before my eyes. My husband was living a life that was entirely different than I thought. I felt that something was off for many years, but always buried those feelings because, no way was that going to be my life. My husband would never make those choices. 

When he left to work out of state (after I told him I didn't want him to). I felt sick. The day he left I miscarried the last pregnancy I had. Not in my "picture perfect" image. He very rarely called, and when he did, he always had to hurry. Something wasn't right, but I wasn't going to let there be something wrong (since I have so much control over that). 

A few months after he left I was talking to him and he said, "I think I should tell you that I drank last night." My heart dropped to my toes. Ok, not "picture perfect" but we all make mistakes. At least he told me. Thank goodness for repentance. I can forgive him. I can help him work through this, I thought.

Fast forward nine months later to when my world was crashing before me. I was talking on the phone to a friend that worked with him after I was worried sick after talking to him and he sounded terrible. I had his friend go check on him. He informed me that he was "just drunk". My heart sank, yet again. He then said, "Do you have a minute? I think there are many things you should know..." The rest of the conversation felt as though it was a living nightmare. "J drinks all the time. He is drunk more often than not." I couldn't do this! He told me he drank once. "He also has been smoking and abusing his pain medication." Are you kidding? This is a joke right? This couldn't be happening. "The other thing I think you should be aware of is he has been communicating with another female." Ok, now this guy is jumping to conclusions, I thought. It's probably just some girl he is friends with. He would NEVER be unfaithful to me in that regard. "They communicate almost all day, everyday either through text or on the phone." No, he is mistaken. This would never happen. I hung up the phone feeling almost paralyzed. This wasn't happening. This isn't what I signed up for. I was supposed to have four children, married happily to a righteous priesthood holder that not only honored his priesthood, but cherished it. When it was confirmed that in fact, he did have a relationship with another girl, I literally wanted to die. The drinking, the smoking, even the prescription drug abuse, I could work through those things with him. I could help him. We could conquer those. But the affair...I thought I was his everything. I thought he loved me. We were sealed for not only time but for all eternity. He told me I was the "girl of his dreams". He told me he loved me. He told me I was his world...but I wasn't. I saw hard evidence of the relationship he was having with another girl. I dry heaved all night. I plead with my Heavenly Father to take this from me. I literally couldn't keep living. This wasn't ever supposed to happen in my "picture perfect" life. I couldn't do it.

I wanted to try to work this out. It was the hardest decision up to that point. How could I ever trust him again? How could I feel my worth again? I had to try. We were supposed to be an eternal family. We had two precious children that deserved to have a dad and a mom that cherished one another. I HAD to try...so I did.

Everyday was a battle. I knew he was not doing things he should, but couldn't prove it. He would tell me it was ok. He was doing all he could to repent and be the father and husband he should be. I believed him until the next day. Day in and out, I knew he was doing something. Everything was off. He wasn't the man I married. Far from it. 

Finding out, yet again, with hard evidence, that not only was he abusing pain medication, but illegal street drugs, and being unfaithful to me with a different girl this time, I couldn't do it anymore. I had to protect my children. I had to be the mom they needed. I wasn't being the mother I should have been. I was consumed in being a detective instead. Always trying to make sense of things, searching for answers. I couldn't do this to my children anymore. With the choices he was making, I didn't even know that they were safe. I had to be done. 

As I sat in the attorney's office with a document that was about 1/4 inch thick with the label Hadley vs. Hadley and Decree of Divorce at the top of it, it was all I could do not to run to the bathroom and vomit. I had to do this, but this wasn't "picture perfect". You don't get married to get divorced. What was I doing? I was tearing our family apart. At this point, I no longer had a choice. I reluctantly signed the documents. It was done. It was final. My "picture perfect" marriage that I had always dreamed of, couldn't have been further from what my reality now was. It was now up to me. I was the only one to provide for my two children, not only financially, but in every other aspect as well. I didn't have a husband, a partner, a teammate. It was solely up to me, and me alone. 

Two and a half years later, as I reflect on the events that have transpired in the last 15 years, I sit in awe. NEVER, EVER would I have imagined this to be my life. A now single mother with two children that depend solely on me for everything. Not having someone to confide in, to give input on decisions concerning our children, not there to watch Addie dance with me, or to laugh together and enjoy the pure happiness they both bring. 

Going back to that article, the writer goes on to talk about her friend and despite her huge challenges, she realized that she needs to do all in her power to have the spirit to be with her as much as possible. Pray more meaningfully. Study the scriptures more intricately. To hold meaningful family home evenings, prayer, and scripture study with her children. This is truly the only way I was able to find ANY sense of relief when I literally just wanted to die. I felt so hopeless at times that I couldn't even get myself to get out of bed. I would pray so fervently, and each time, I was able to feel some peace, some comfort, and some hope. That is the only way to happiness. Doing all in our power to have the spirit to be with us as much as we possibly can. It has to be a conscious effort as we are surrounded by so many vices that tend to take the spirit away whether it is the media, or even just trying to have the perfect glorified look that everyone seems to be seeking. 

Life certainly isn't "fair", but if it were, what would our purpose be for being here? How would we grow and become who we were sent here to be? How would we be refined and prepared to live with our Heavenly Father again? Trials come no matter what. Our choices could always be in line with the commandments, but adversity will be there regardless. Maybe we make choices that take the spirit away, and in turn cause major heartache, pain, and hopelessness, but again, we can always turn to Him. He is there regardless of how unworthy we are or feel to have His help. Despair is real. It is scary. But the great news is, we ALWAYS have Him to turn to before reaching that point. I am so incredibly grateful for the gospel. For my Savior and all He did and does for me. For a very loving Heavenly Father that knows all, and will NEVER turn His back on us. Yes, life isn't going to always be what we expect, but regardless of what transpires in our lives, we can always have joy, peace, and hope. We can because He will never leave our side.