Having the Label of "Divorced".

I remember listening to a talk about twelve years ago during our semi-annual General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. One of our amazing Apostles gave a talk entitled, "Divorce". At the time, I remember thinking about how horrible it would be. I thought about close friends and some extended family members who had to go through divorce. I felt sympathy for them and remember feeling so grateful it wasn't me and that I was raised in a home with parents that loved, respected, and honored the covenants they made to one another in the temple when they were sealed. I felt so grateful that "divorce" was not a word that frequented my thoughts or vocabulary. It was a foreign word, but a word I knew brang heartache to so many. Little did I know what just five years down the road would hold for me... I started marriage off in a devastating way, not initially being sealed in a temple of God and having to wait a year for that privilege. The moment I knew I would not have the opportunity to be sealed for time and all eternity in the house of the Lord like I always knew and dreamed I would, was the most devastating thing that I had to deal with up to that point in my life. Twelve years after we did have the opportunity, I remember sitting in the attorney's office signing a document that had the title of "Divorce Decree... Hadley vs. Hadley". I signed with an extremely heavy heart. I NEVER dreamed in a million years I would be one of those people that had the label of "divorced" to describe my marital status. It was bad to be divorced. It isn't part of Heavenly Father's plan. People would look down on me. I now had the title of "single mom". I was supposed to do all I could to stand by my husband. Divorce was NOT acceptable. What was I doing? I pulled up Elder Oaks talk after coming home from my attorney's office. I read it with the attitude that I gave up too easily. I was a horrible person. No matter how miserable I was, I made sacred covenants. I wasn't supposed to do this. I then came to a part in his talk where he said,

      "There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims--members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce.

        When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is 

needful to have a means to end it."

That was it. Exactly what I needed at that moment. It was as if the Lord Himself was saying, "You gave it all you had. You did what was necessary for you, for Addie, and for Koleman. You are their protector and because of choices being made, they were not safe and secure. You were putting every ounce of energy into trying to save something that was "beyond hope of resuscitation", and in turn were not being the mother they needed and deserved." Although I felt much peace in knowing that I did do the right thing, the thing necessary to be healthy and happy, I still had the labels of "divorced", and "single mom". 

When I was young, I always looked at divorced people and thought they did something bad. Not because I was told/taught that, but I WAS taught that marriage is sacred and the main reason we're here to have families. I don't necessarily feel that people think I'm a bad person because I'm divorced, but I do know that I am looked at a bit differently than I would be if I were married. I got to a point after our divorce was final, where being a mom and a teacher was all I wanted to do. I was content and had plenty of fulfillment in my life from these two amazing callings. I was being the mother I wanted to be, that I needed to be. Divorce is most certainly hard on the two people that are divorcing, but I dare say, it is much harder on any of the children that are involved. Watching my happy, full of life, confident, care free daughter transform into someone that is unsure of herself, scared of having close relationships in fear of being left, unhappy with how she looks (which is crazy because she's beautiful in every way), feels like many people automatically don't like her. It has been heart breaking to witness. She's still so amazing and does all she can to stay close to her Heavenly Father, but isn't the same happy girl I once knew. Then my sweet son who is overly obsessed with having to know where I am at all times, afraid every single second that something is going to happen to me. Who doesn't easily trust. I know they know they are loved, but it's not the same as having a complete family. Watching Addie's face drop every time a friend or someone talks about their dad and how much they love him, is almost more than I can handle. Or trying to explain to Koleman everything will be ok as he is hysterically sobbing saying, "I just wanted a dad" because someone he only knew for a couple of weeks, but apparently thought would fill that role wasn't going to come around anymore. I wish I could take their pain, their fears, their worries, and their heartache. I've prayed to just give it all to me. Don't let them suffer for something they never asked for. They deserve to have a complete loving family just like anyone else. As I prayed for that, I knew it was something that couldn't be. I can't take their pain. So I then prayed to help me know how to help them. 

I have a very close friend who lost her dad in high school to a long battle with diabetes. That was nearly 20 years ago and I remember her telling me just last year that although it's been several years, people don't understand that not one day goes by where she doesn't think of him or miss him. After the funeral, other people just move on and don't realize the battle those directly affected fight to heal, grieve, and move forward. Although my situation is far different, I can relate in the same way, as I watch my kids deal with the effects of divorce. Sure, it happened nearly three years ago, but the repercussions although a bit weaker, haven't gone anywhere. 

Being divorced makes me feel (completely from my own insecurity) that I'm looked at as though I am not worthy, or good enough at times. I know that is not the case, but it's where my crazy mind goes. All of that being said, I am grateful beyond words, for the trial of not only being divorced, but all other trials as well. It has caused my once sheltered, close minded way of looking at things, to broaden. I am much slower to judge. Much quicker to give the benefit of the doubt. I love with much more ease and understanding. It has made my idealistic way of thinking, completely transform. Instead of only thinking that everyone should get married and live happily ever after in bliss, I now see there are many trials and that no matter what your marital status, it doesn't make you any less. I'm still a daughter of God. I still try to do my best to stay close to Him and try to teach my kids to do the same. We are so blessed to have the gospel. I know that I'll have the opportunity to live with He and His Son again as long as I keep the faith and strive to live in such a way to stay close to Them. Divorce is not easy. It is one of the hardest things I feel there is to endure. Not just the actual divorce, or what led up to the decision to divorce, but the after effects as well. However, like I said before, I now see situations and life in a much different more loving and non-judgemental way. We need not feel hopelessness from the repercussions divorce can bring. President Uchtdorf said, 

  "If only we could glimpse for a moment what the Lord has in store for us, not only in the next life, but in this one as well, our hope would be unshakeable and despair could never overcome us." 

 Hope is a powerful thing. With hope and faith, we CAN endure such trials and come out on top. I love my Savior and my Heavenly Father SO much! With the knowledge I have, I know despite my circumstances, everything will be ok and we can overcome anything through Them.