Healing Takes Time

 I "unpublished" my blog about two years ago. For about two months I have been prompted to re-publish it, and kept pushing that prompting aside. Recently I have been experiencing major PTSD. I thought I was fine. I thought I was in a good place. I thought I could get over all the crazy experiences I have faced on my own. I was wrong. I went to counseling a few times here and there, but never consistently or for very long. It was almost too painful. As I wrote my story on here, I was in the midst of all of the turmoil that was going on. It was therapeutic to write and I felt that maybe my story could help someone else. I didn't know why, but I did. In the past year, I have come to realize that going through any type of major trauma is NOT something that can be dealt with on your own. I am going to make myself really vulnerable right now. I am admitting SO many flaws that I have. Things that I have not dealt with in a healthy way...I have triggers. MAJOR triggers. I don't trust. I feel like there is always an ulterior motive going on when it comes to any sort of relationship. I feel like I will never be able to really trust again. I live with a very guarded and closed mind thinking that the only upright and trustworthy males around my age are already married. I literally have flashbacks and uncontrollable behaviors. All of these things have surfaced in just the past year. Before, I thought I had this. I didn't need help. Oh was I wrong. I am completely broken inside. It has been officially five years this month since I have been divorced. FIVE years and I am just BARELY starting my path to healing. Before re-publishing this blog, I went back and re-read it. There were so many things I didn't remember. So many memories I tried to bury. It was painful. It was emotional. However, it was necessary. Necessary because I can't heal without digging deep to pull out all the yuck deep down and really rid myself from it. So many things that I have tried to just put a band aid on instead of really letting the wounds heal. It is as if Heavenly Father is allowing these feelings to re-surface so that I can truly be the person I want to be. So I can really feel the "pure joy" I refer to in the title of this blog. I have felt so much peace where I am with my feelings for J. I don't miss him. I don't long for him. I don't hate him. I don't love him (other than loving him for blessing me with my two greatest gifts). I feel like I have completely forgiven him. It has been such a great feeling. Even after reading these posts on here again and almost feeling as if I was re-living that nightmare, I didn't feel any ill feelings toward him. I was sure I had forgiven him. Little did I know, I am still hurting. I am not feeling complete forgiveness. Something happened this past Friday that helped me realize why. Koleman and I went to Costco to pick up some pictures I had printed. We decided we would go and see if we wanted to get anything for his lunches for school. As we rounded the corner after getting the pictures, I nearly ran right into J and his wife. In the five years we have been divorced I have NEVER seen J out of context (meaning unless I saw him in passing if he came to get the kids). He and I made eye contact. My heart felt like it stopped. He quickly turned away. Didn't acknowledge me. Didn't acknowledge his son. So many emotions surfaced. Luckily Koley didn't really see him. We quickly left. I took Koley home and after he went in the house I sat in my car and sobbed. He has someone by his side. He is at Costco shopping when I have been asking him for help paying for medical bills, contacts, drill team expenses, dresses to school dances, school fees, school clothes, etc. on a teacher salary it is extremely hard to provide for two teenagers alone. He tells me he is sorry but doesn't have any money to spare. So seeing him at Costco buying things stung. Buying things for his family. His wife and her children. What about us? Your OWN children? Now this isn't a post to diminish his character (even though it may look that way). This is simply to show why I know I am not completely where I thought I was. I didn't feel pain in the fact that I want him back, it was just a reminder that we seemed to be so easily tossed aside. More specifically, me. He does try to make more of an effort with the kids than in the past. It made me realize that I have a lot of work to do to TRULY heal and be where I need to be. I have been on what seems to be on a downward spiral with feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, depression, and fear. All feelings that I have felt I have worked so hard to overcome. Well, I haven't. I only put a band aid there. Writing helps me so much. I don't know why, but I have felt so prompted to start writing on here again. I am going to publish this. Not to try to become "internet famous" (because let's be honest, maybe only two people read this. One of them being my mom), not to make money, or to get pity, but sincerely to help myself heal, and hopefully help someone else that may need to feel as if they are not alone.