Trauma

I am sure 99 percent of people have gone through some type of trauma in their lives. Whether it was kids being mean at school, divorce, abuse, betrayal, addictions, etc. I don't think we realize the affects trauma, or different life experiences have on us. It is so real. It is so debilitating. It is downright evil. SO many of us don't get the help we need to overcome things in a healthy manner, which in turn affects our happiness, relationships, and even the way we present ourselves. How do I know this? I am a prime example of allowing trauma to dictate my life. I've allowed it to determine how I respond to situations, how I feel the world views me, how I view myself. I have allowed it to sabotage relationships. I have allowed it to push people out of my life that I want and need. I have even allowed it to determine my worth.
I had a girl in jr high tell me I was annoying, stupid, ugly, and did all she could to make it so I didn't feel included or have friends. I was such a confident, outgoing, happy person. However, I got to the point where I believed her. I believed all of those things. I hid in the bathroom at lunch almost daily, usually crying. I began to seclude myself from friends, feeling I wasn't good enough to have any. I believed I was the ugliest, most annoying, worthless person to walk the earth. I ALLOWED myself to get to that point. I became extremely introverted. I was depressed. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I developed an eating disorder that nearly took my life, and I honestly was at a point that I hoped it would.
Fast forward about 8 years, and I experienced major betrayal in my marriage. I experienced neglect. I experienced abuse. I eventually experienced divorce. I moved on by busying myself. I focused on my kids. I focused on my new life of being a single mom. Having to figure out how to do it all on my own. How to provide for my children by myself in every way. I didn't get the help I needed to rid myself of the trauma and pain so deep inside of me that had built up and lingered for many years.
Fast forward another 7 years, I have moved past ill feelings for any that have hurt me in those traumatic ways. I have moved past the hurt of wanting to be with my ex husband and missing him. But I NEVER focused on healing me. I just moved on as if it was all said and done and I could live my life the way I wanted now. I am now at a point where I feel almost more despair, pain, hopelessness, confusion, and chaos in my life than I did when I was actually in those traumatic experiences. It has hindered my progression in developing healthy relationships. I have allowed it to make me react irrationally in many different situations. I have allowed it to put up walls and not trust. I have allowed it to completely dictate how I respond, how I act, how I feel, and even how I treat others. I am FINALLY getting the help I need. I am FINALLY on the path to getting my life back, to being ME again. I URGE anyone that has experienced trauma, to get the help you need right away. Don't let it do to you what it did to me. I wouldn't change life experiences at all. I wouldn't. They have taught me, strengthened me, made me more aware of others and their trials, but I WOULD change the slow process of getting the help I needed so long ago.