A Not So Perfect Instagram Life...

     Writing is a therapeutic outlet for me. For lack of a better phrase, I just kind of throw it all up on paper (or in this case the computer screen)...I deleted my Facebook account a few months ago. Great decision. However, I still have an Instagram account. Why? I am not quite sure, other than I do like to see people that I don't get to see very often, or not even at all, in my life. I am finding more and more that, although it is fun to stay connected to others, it rarely (if ever) brings me joy or peace whenever I decide to scroll through the feed. Most often, it brings feelings of inferiority, anxiety, envy, sadness, and even resentment. None of which are feelings that I like to have as my companions. Now I can say that if I were more confident in myself, had millions of admirers that couldn't wait to see my next post about my workout routines, my healthy eating habits, fashion/beauty tips, home decor, me traveling the world, or just to see my picture perfect family photos, that those feelings wouldn't overcome me when I would scroll through the Insta feed, but I dare say those feelings would still be there. My life is NOTHING like you see on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, VSCO, etc. I am even guilty of mostly only posting the exciting, happy, glamorous-seeming, events that take place in my life. So I often think, what if I was just "real" all the time on social media? I'm not saying getting on and airing my dirty laundry, going off on my soap box(es), or NEVER posting those happy, glamorous-seeming events. When I see or read of someone that has similar challenges and trials in their lives and how they are working through those things, it is so empowering to me. It makes me feel that I am not alone. I am strengthened. I feel peace. I am motivated to be the best ME I can be. Not to be better than anyone else, but only to be a better me than I was the day before. 

     Some days (especially like today) I feel like this single mom gig is more than I can bear. Don't get me wrong, my kids are honestly amazing in every way. They are truly better than I could have ever hoped to have had, which makes flying solo in this role SO much easier. I can't imagine, and truly feel, for the single parents out there that have to deal with kids that make heart breaking choices without a partner to work through it all with. All of that being said, no matter how ideal the situation can be, I never imagined I'd ever be a single parent, and I never imagined how difficult it can be some days. Just difficult in terms of not being able to provide so many of the things that it SEEMS most kids they associate with have. Trying to decide if this month I can pay for extra curricular activities, or get the oil changed and a tune up that the car is in desperate need of. Putting off braces for Koleman, saving for college/missions, getting into our own home, and getting some dental work done because I need to figure out the month to month expenses and miscellaneous surprises that pop up before I can even think of those things. Trying to figure out how I can work a second job, but not quite sure how to fit that in with a full time, pretty demanding career. Having Koleman come home from school often asking how he can make friends and how to interact with kids, not knowing what to really tell him other than to just keep trying. Wishing so badly I could talk about it with a spouse that loves and cares for him equally and would be able to take him to do things that only a dad can do. Or listening to Addie and all the things she is struggling with, wishing so badly, once again, that I could confide in a spouse and, together, we could help her through it. Not being able to say, "hey this time will you talk to Addie about ditching school so much." Or, "It's your turn to talk to Koley about making sure he is handing in all of the homework he needs to have done." Some days I feel like I am stretched so thin, that I can't even function well enough for them to have even one parent that isn't always feeling like an emotional wreck. But even without having financial and emotional support that a spouse can and does bring, in my opinion, the most difficult part of raising kids on my own, is seeing the pain, that they try so much to conceal, of not having a dad as a constant in their lives. Watching them as they watch and listen to so many around them interact with and/or talk about their own dads. Wondering what is going through their minds, and having it rip my heart out not being able to ease the pain or make it feel better. I can't even sympathize with them. I grew up with a dad. A dad that was a faithful husband and father. Who went to great lengths to take care of our family and was always there no matter what. 

     I KNOW that we truly are so blessed and have SO much. Today has just been 'one of those days'. I am sure tomorrow will be better!