"To solely attempt to love others without first loving yourself, is to build a home without a strong foundation." Yung Pueblo
I never got the help I have needed in my life and was living a life that my trauma dictated. Trauma from when I was a young girl, to a teenager, to a young mother and wife, to the ending of my 12 year marriage, to trying to have a relationship again. I have been to some counseling here and there over the years, but never really the therapy that would help me get to the core of my issues. That would help me start at that core and slowly peel off layer after layer until getting to the surface. I started going to a counselor that specializes in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). This is a therapy that brings you back to your trauma and has you process that trauma in a way that is healthy for your brain to help it leave your core and not let it fester inside, a way to help by not allowing it to dictate your life (like I have). I am on the right road for sure, but I feel like it is a road that is 2,00,000 miles long and I have only traveled one of those miles. I don't love myself like I should. I don't give myself leeway when I "slip up" and have triggers. I am learning. SLOWLY learning. I know I've told my story on this blog and if you have or have not read it, it doesn't matter. I wouldn't bore anyone with the details again, but I have faced trauma in life for sure. We ALL have. EVERY one of us. Whether it is friends being mean, a boyfriend breaking your heart, addictions, abuse, people passing away, physical ailments, whatever it may be, pain is pain and it doesn't matter the magnitude of what we have gone through. If a similar situation causes pain to one and not another, the pain the one felt does not make that person weaker than the person that didn't feel the pain. Sometimes we even have pain that we don't recognize right away and maybe later in life it will affect us. Bottom line is life is a journey. We have choices. We can choose to be wrapped up so completely in our pain and cause a cycle of unhealthy relationships, or we can choose to face the pain head on. I am just going to say it... It SUCKS and it is HARD and it doesn't go away quickly, but it is worth it. Even earlier today, I thought, "well it's too late to change how I have let my trauma dictate my actions in life" because I lost a significant person, but as I have processed through the day, I realize it is something that will only make me that much stronger and I have reflected on all that I have learned through this specific journey about me, about love, about life.
I brought some pretty significant trauma into a new relationship. It most certainly didn't do good, but it definitely was a learning process now looking back at the last couple of years. For one, I didn't keep promises to myself. I didn't respect myself. I tried to mold to what I thought would keep someone around and not leave me. I let things become too complacent. I wasn't doing the work to be the Andrea I know is deep down there that has been missing for a long time. I was simply wanting to feel love, to have a partner, to not feel alone. The thing is, wanting those things so much with a potential spouse, made me blinded to what I already have. To who I REALLY am. I was on a path that I dare say, would have caused far more pain and heartbreak if my Heavenly Father didn't step in and, I feel, literally pulled this person out of my life because I wasn't strong enough to do so myself. He knows the big picture and I wasn't trusting Him. After my divorce, I had SO much faith and literally gave EVERY ounce of doubt, pain, fear, and suffering to The Savior. I got to a point, I didn't have a choice other than to do things that would only make my life even worse and more unmanageable. Unfortunately, sometimes we are compelled to have to choose Him when we're too stubborn (like myself) to choose Him on our own. I know that my journey to fully healing is still in full force, even though it seems I just added another 100,000 miles to it. I will STILL come out on top. I know with my Savior, EVERYTHING is possible and that I will find genuine happiness in Him and through Him.
I brought some pretty significant trauma into a new relationship. It most certainly didn't do good, but it definitely was a learning process now looking back at the last couple of years. For one, I didn't keep promises to myself. I didn't respect myself. I tried to mold to what I thought would keep someone around and not leave me. I let things become too complacent. I wasn't doing the work to be the Andrea I know is deep down there that has been missing for a long time. I was simply wanting to feel love, to have a partner, to not feel alone. The thing is, wanting those things so much with a potential spouse, made me blinded to what I already have. To who I REALLY am. I was on a path that I dare say, would have caused far more pain and heartbreak if my Heavenly Father didn't step in and, I feel, literally pulled this person out of my life because I wasn't strong enough to do so myself. He knows the big picture and I wasn't trusting Him. After my divorce, I had SO much faith and literally gave EVERY ounce of doubt, pain, fear, and suffering to The Savior. I got to a point, I didn't have a choice other than to do things that would only make my life even worse and more unmanageable. Unfortunately, sometimes we are compelled to have to choose Him when we're too stubborn (like myself) to choose Him on our own. I know that my journey to fully healing is still in full force, even though it seems I just added another 100,000 miles to it. I will STILL come out on top. I know with my Savior, EVERYTHING is possible and that I will find genuine happiness in Him and through Him.
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