A New Chapter to Get Used To...

It was just over 18 years ago. I was rocking my precious 2 week old baby girl. It was a quiet evening. Her dad was working graveyard shifts. It was just the two of us at home. It gave me a lot of time to just be able to sit and hold her.  I was rocking her watching her peacefully sleep. I didn't want to put her in her bassinet. I just wanted to hold onto the moment I had right then. I was thinking about what she would be like in the future. What trials she may have to face. What her dreams would be. How she would look. I figured out she would graduate high school in the year 2020. It was so far away. It seemed that day would never come. Now, it has come, and she is officially a high school graduate. The visions I had of how she would be, what she would look like, what challenges she would have to face in life, and what her dreams would be have FAR exceeded my expectations. She is the most kind-hearted, non-judgmental, giving, caring, compassionate person I have ever met. She is inherently such a good person. She strives to be the best version of herself. She is not only completely gorgeous on the outside, but that beauty goes all the way through. The challenges she has already faced in her life are completely mind blowing. I never in a million years would have ever guessed that night when I was rocking her 18 years ago, that she would have gone through what she has at this point. Yet she has done it and she never let it take her down. She has risen above. She has become stronger. She has taken these challenges and made them stepping stones to a fuller life. She strives to stay close to the Savior and her Father in Heaven. She handles adversity with so much grace. Never did I ever imagine she would go through the most important years of her life without a dad there. She didn't have him there to hear about her first boyfriend. He wasn't there to see her go on her first date. He didn't see her learn to drive, or wasn't there to celebrate her making the high school drill team. He wasn't there at her countless performances, her end of year reviews, to see her earn awards. He wasn't there when she broke her foot and couldn't dance. He didn't ever see the pain of her first heartbreak. He didn't experience her first talk in Sacrament Meeting. Although her graduation wasn't traditional, we were still able to celebrate by watching it, and then she was able to be in the parade celebrating all of the 2020 graduates. He wasn't on the side of the road with all the family and friends cheering and waving as they paraded by. As I was driving her to get lined up for the parade to start, I looked over and saw tears streaming down her face. I figured she was sad she didn't have a car full of her friends like we saw many others pull up with. I just put my hand on her hand. She simply said, "he didn't even text me", as she looked out the window. At first I was thinking she was referring to someone else, but she was talking about her dad. The one who should've been right there in the truck with us. Celebrating, cheering her on, giving her all the encouragement in the world. But he wasn't. As the parade started, she wiped the tears away, rolled down her window, and made the best of it with a big smile on her face, just like she always does. She is my hero. My true hero.

As I have come face to face with what it is like to have your child leave home, grow up, and become an "adult", it has been harder than I ever had imagined. The loneliness has been almost unbearable at times, just thinking about this new phase in life. There won't be anymore drill performances to go to. There won't be anymore dances to watch her get ready for. No more sharing a room with her (although I am sure she is happy about that haha). No more road trips to competitions, or seeing her excitement and nervousness for state and region. I know this is only the start of a different kind of life, that will be just as great (or so I keep trying to tell myself), but it has been one of the hardest things ever. The loneliness is a real thing. There have been mornings I wake up in complete panic. It seems crazy, but it is true. It has truly compelled me to drop to my knees and plead with my Heavenly Father to feel His presence. I have often (although not comparable at all) thought about the Savior. He was completely alone facing the most horrendous pain that is humanly possible to fathom. He had nobody. No one. He did it and He did it alone. For that reason, I don't have to. I don't have to face this new challenge alone. Ever. He is always there. He is the reason I have made it through some recent days. I am so grateful for the Atonement. For the opportunity I have to turn to Him and KNOW that not only is He always there, but that He understands. He understands perfectly. So often I sit and look at so many others and start to feel sorry for myself thinking they have no idea the pain and loneliness that I am going through (although I am sure more people understand than I am aware), but it is so comforting to know that He knows. He already experienced the exact feelings I am having. He is there to bear my burden, to have me leave it at His feet. I am never truly alone. He is ALWAYS there.