19 Years Ago, I Would Have Never Imagined...
For several years now this day hasn't bothered me much. I have thought about it, but it hasn't had much of an affect on me emotionally. For some reason, this year is different. I don't know why. Isn't it supposed to be easier as time goes on? Then I think that maybe that's just it. It has been SO much time now. Why does it still hurt and affect me the way it does at times?
Nineteen years ago I remember being so nervous. I HATE any type of attention on me, let alone a whole day full of all eyes on me. I was getting in my dress, sweating like crazy, wishing we would have just eloped. But at the same time, I was excited to be marrying the guy I knew I loved more than anything. We just fit. We complemented each other just perfectly it seemed. We were best friends.
Fast forward nineteen years, and I would have NEVER pictured myself where I am today. Not in a million years. I would have never envisioned myself alone, going through what now seems like a surreal life that I lived for a good 6-7 years. I would have never imagined in a million years I would be finding a whole secret life that this man I was marrying was living. I would have never imagined I would be finding out horrific truths. I never would have imagined one day I would be finding illegal narcotics in my home. I would have never imagined one day I would find that the man I was marrying this day 19 years ago would be having relationships with other women when I gave him every ounce of trust I had. I would have never imagined that he would choose so many horrendous addictions over me and our two amazing children. I would have never imagined someone that would do anything in this world for me would leave us stranded in Las Vegas. I would have never imagined this amazing man I was marrying would miss so many very important things in our children's lives, not only since we've been divorced, but even when we were still married and I was fighting for our eternal family to no avail. I would have never in a million years imagined living day to day not knowing how I was going to afford to provide for my children in every way on my own. I would have never imagined after 12 years of marriage, sitting in an attorney's office seeing on a legal document of divorce with the words "Hadley vs. Hadley". We weren't supposed to ever be against each other. We were a team. We were best friends. I would have never imagined having to explain to my 11 and 9 year old children why they hadn't seen their father in a year. I would have never imagined going to dance performances, school activities, award ceremonies by myself. I would have never imagined my kids not having their father there to witness them getting their driver's license, their first day of high school, their birthdays, Christmases, first heart breaks, and graduation. Nineteen years ago today, I would never in a million years have imagined this is where we would be.
But I also wouldn't have ever imagined 19 years ago today that I would be this strong. I would have never imagined myself working toward a masters degree. I would have never imagined the challenges that I have faced that shaped me into who I am striving to become and who I am becoming little by little each day. I would have never imagined being able to make it through many difficult days as a single mom being the only one there to help, guide, and lead my children through the midst of uncertainty and despair at times.
With so much conflict, uncertainty, turmoil, pain, hate, and fear plaguing our world right now, I know without any doubt, we can get through difficult times. I know that because I have done it. There are MANY days, especially recently, where I feel I can't do even one more minute, but I do it. I know exactly where my strength comes and that is in and through my Savior. I know He is there. I know as lonely as I feel most days, that I am never truly alone. He is ALWAYS there. He knows how I feel. He knows because He felt it. He knows because He experienced it. I know that He is well aware of the pain so many are facing whether it is sickness, racism, divorce, betrayal, financial struggles, disabilities, He knows every single ounce of the pain any trial brings. I am so incredibly grateful for Him. In a world where there is so much unrest and uncertainty, I testify with every ounce of my heart, He is the answer. Laying our struggles at His feet and turning to Him will get us through, and not only get us through, but will help spark that hope. It will lead us to true, genuine joy. There is NOTHING this world can offer that will ever come close to what He offers. Nothing.
Although, nineteen years ago today I would have never imagined this would be how my life would look today, I am so blessed. I am so grateful. I know that The Atonement is real and through it, we are refined to become who we were sent here to become, but we have to choose that. We have to want it. Sometimes overcoming the world seems impossible when it is screaming in our faces at every turn, but "We may need to let go of the world to hang on to eternity." (Gary B. Sabin)
Nineteen years ago I remember being so nervous. I HATE any type of attention on me, let alone a whole day full of all eyes on me. I was getting in my dress, sweating like crazy, wishing we would have just eloped. But at the same time, I was excited to be marrying the guy I knew I loved more than anything. We just fit. We complemented each other just perfectly it seemed. We were best friends.
Fast forward nineteen years, and I would have NEVER pictured myself where I am today. Not in a million years. I would have never envisioned myself alone, going through what now seems like a surreal life that I lived for a good 6-7 years. I would have never imagined in a million years I would be finding a whole secret life that this man I was marrying was living. I would have never imagined I would be finding out horrific truths. I never would have imagined one day I would be finding illegal narcotics in my home. I would have never imagined one day I would find that the man I was marrying this day 19 years ago would be having relationships with other women when I gave him every ounce of trust I had. I would have never imagined that he would choose so many horrendous addictions over me and our two amazing children. I would have never imagined someone that would do anything in this world for me would leave us stranded in Las Vegas. I would have never imagined this amazing man I was marrying would miss so many very important things in our children's lives, not only since we've been divorced, but even when we were still married and I was fighting for our eternal family to no avail. I would have never in a million years imagined living day to day not knowing how I was going to afford to provide for my children in every way on my own. I would have never imagined after 12 years of marriage, sitting in an attorney's office seeing on a legal document of divorce with the words "Hadley vs. Hadley". We weren't supposed to ever be against each other. We were a team. We were best friends. I would have never imagined having to explain to my 11 and 9 year old children why they hadn't seen their father in a year. I would have never imagined going to dance performances, school activities, award ceremonies by myself. I would have never imagined my kids not having their father there to witness them getting their driver's license, their first day of high school, their birthdays, Christmases, first heart breaks, and graduation. Nineteen years ago today, I would never in a million years have imagined this is where we would be.
But I also wouldn't have ever imagined 19 years ago today that I would be this strong. I would have never imagined myself working toward a masters degree. I would have never imagined the challenges that I have faced that shaped me into who I am striving to become and who I am becoming little by little each day. I would have never imagined being able to make it through many difficult days as a single mom being the only one there to help, guide, and lead my children through the midst of uncertainty and despair at times.
With so much conflict, uncertainty, turmoil, pain, hate, and fear plaguing our world right now, I know without any doubt, we can get through difficult times. I know that because I have done it. There are MANY days, especially recently, where I feel I can't do even one more minute, but I do it. I know exactly where my strength comes and that is in and through my Savior. I know He is there. I know as lonely as I feel most days, that I am never truly alone. He is ALWAYS there. He knows how I feel. He knows because He felt it. He knows because He experienced it. I know that He is well aware of the pain so many are facing whether it is sickness, racism, divorce, betrayal, financial struggles, disabilities, He knows every single ounce of the pain any trial brings. I am so incredibly grateful for Him. In a world where there is so much unrest and uncertainty, I testify with every ounce of my heart, He is the answer. Laying our struggles at His feet and turning to Him will get us through, and not only get us through, but will help spark that hope. It will lead us to true, genuine joy. There is NOTHING this world can offer that will ever come close to what He offers. Nothing.
Although, nineteen years ago today I would have never imagined this would be how my life would look today, I am so blessed. I am so grateful. I know that The Atonement is real and through it, we are refined to become who we were sent here to become, but we have to choose that. We have to want it. Sometimes overcoming the world seems impossible when it is screaming in our faces at every turn, but "We may need to let go of the world to hang on to eternity." (Gary B. Sabin)
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