Sitting With it All...Alone

 The past month (well year really), I have been in a place that has been down right scary. Not wanting to really keep going, but feeling trapped knowing that giving up is not an option. Mental/emotional struggles can literally be debilitating. Sometimes to a point where it seems that you'll never come to the surface again, that you're just drowning and going down fast. I used to be so ashamed to admit that I struggle so much with major anxiety and emotional distress. I have come to realize that not only is it more prevalent now than ever before, but that regardless of how many people suffer with it, it is a real struggle. It isn't for attention. It isn't because of feeling pity for yourself. It is a true battle. One that I have fought for many years. For the past year, especially, I literally have to take things in stride. One day, one hour, or even one minute at a time. The loneliness can truly seem unbearable.

I thought going through my divorce was the most devastating thing that could ever happen, and it definitely was devastating. However, fast forward seven years later and here I am. I have learned so much. So much more than could ever have been taught without going through the things that I did. I truly wouldn't change the lessons, challenges, and heartache for the things that I was able to learn. But at this point in my life I feel like I have hit a wall. It is one of the most indescribable feelings. When going through the trauma in my marriage, then through the divorce, then the time immediately following, I was always so busy. My kids were young still. They still depended on me for many things. I was finishing my degree. I was working. I started my career. I didn't have time to date or even have the desire for that matter. I was content. I was in a good place with how I was feeling about and toward my ex husband. I didn't hate him. I didn't feel like I couldn't do life without him. I wasn't angry at him. I was just...indifferent. Just looking at it like, "it is what it is". I felt genuinely happy... 

In 2015, I was asked out on a date. I wasn't very excited about it, but I didn't have an excuse not to go. I went. I really liked the guy. He was very respectful and kind. He had great standards and a strong testimony of Christ. Although it didn't work out to continue dating, it made me realize, "maybe I do want a companion." As time went on I met someone. We dated off and on for three years. It was rocky. It was up and down. There was so much trauma brought into the relationship from both sides. It was a full three years that I literally lost who I was. I felt no self worth. I felt alone. I felt unsafe. I felt confused. I never felt good enough. My happiness was contingent upon what the relationship looked like, and most of the time it wasn't great. I did whatever I could to just feel loved and accepted. To feel that companionship that I longed for. I was not at the top of his priority list, and he let me know that. But I stayed. I was not respected. But I stayed. I was not heard in the relationship. But I stayed. I never felt that I was worth much to him. But I stayed. He would leave "for the last time" at any moment that I would get too emotional or to where I would get to a breaking point and just plead to feel wanted in my own unhealthy ways. I would chase him. I would beg him. I would do whatever to have him give me "another chance". He would comply eventually. It would be ok for a little bit, and then the cycle would start all over again. Why could I not just let go? What was wrong with me? It got to a point where it was not only unhealthy for me, but even more so (to some degree) for my kids. They suffered because of the many affects this relationship had on me, and even directly had on them. They felt unsafe. Never knowing the status of where we were. Having a mom who was all over the place emotionally and having to deal with that. It was a very hard situation for them. But even with all of those factors, I STILL stayed. Why? I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't understand. Why when I tried to leave or let him leave was I so panicked? Why did it feel unbearable? Why did I have so much anxiety? There were many times when we were together that I felt all of those exact feelings. So why was letting go not an option in my mind? I honestly was beside myself with understanding. I was frustrated. I was worn out. I was going to lose important relationships, the most important ones being my kids. What was this attachment? I didn't know. I didn't have any idea. I pleaded with Heavenly Father to feel some relief and peace. I pleaded with Him to help me detach. 

About a month and a half ago, I finally did. I finally walked away. It was hard. It IS hard. But WHY is it so hard? I still don't understand. I feel like I am so trapped. So alone. Sadly, I am ashamed to say, I feel hopeless. I feel a loss. Not because of the relationship being severed, but with so many things that are confusing. So many feelings that are hard to understand. 

My life is really quiet right now. Addie moving out and graduating from high school. Koleman getting a job and working many nights. I have a lot of time to just sit and be with my own thoughts. A lot of people in my life have seemed to disappear. It has been hard, but it is something that I have come to realize maybe needs to happen. I've always gone to a couple of friends and family members right away when feeling so down. Or I have busied myself with school, kids, or other things. I haven't really just sat with my feelings. Really explored where they are stemming from, why I am feeling them, and how to navigate through them. To be honest it has been down right unbearable at times. Where I literally can't feel any respite. I have heard people talk about loneliness when a spouse dies, or kids move out, or divorce happens. The loneliness they were referring to is no joke. At times, it can take me to a place that I don't want to be. One day, not too long ago, it did just that. 

I was surrounded by people. My family was together for dinner. Koleman was at work. Addie was supposed to come to dinner, but ended up having something else. I sat with so much darkness inside of me. I literally couldn't do it. How in the world could I be around people that very moment, people I loved, something I continually long to have, yet I felt like I was completely by myself?  I just sat there feeling like everything was caving in on me. I will never be able to explain all the emotion that was going on inside of me. It was complete panic. Truly despair. I couldn't do it anymore. Life was far too unmanageable. I couldn't live feeling like this anymore. I was feeling so trapped. I was at a breaking point. 

I didn't have anywhere to go. Nowhere to turn. Nobody that understood. What were all of these feelings? I didn't know. I didn't understand. I left. I grabbed my keys, no shoes on, no license, and just drove. I don't even know where I was going or really where I ended up. As I drove, I plead out loud with Heavenly Father, through sobs, to please just take it. I was angry. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I didn't have anymore motivation to keep going. I didn't have any strength. I was tired of people telling me that good things were coming. I just needed to be patient. I was TIRED of being patient. I didn't believe that was true anymore. It seems like it had been forever since I felt consistency in my life. I felt there haven't been any breaks, or at least not very long ones. I continued driving, praying, and even shouting out loud all that I was feeling inside. I pulled off an exit that was completely desolate. I pulled off the road and just sat in my car. No music, no phone, no noise. Just silence. Feeling like a failure. Feeling completely ashamed that I was this weak. That I struggle. That I allow trauma and past experiences to run my life. I was at a loss. I just simply felt done. Knowing that NOBODY could ever understand, nor could I ever convey the feelings and emotions swirling around inside of me. Just honestly feeling completely lost. 

The following week (just this past weekend) was General Conference. As I listened to a talk given by Elder Matthew S. Holland of the Seventy, I was struck by his words when he said: 

"For anyone today with pains so intense or so unique that you feel no one else could fully appreciate them, you may have a point. There may be no family member, friend, or priesthood leader—however sensitive and well-meaning each may be—who knows exactly what you are feeling or has the precise words to help you heal. But know this: there is One who understands perfectly what you are experiencing, who is “mightier than all the earth,”¹⁷ and who is “able to do exceeding abundantly above all that [you] ask or think.”¹⁸ The process will unfold in His way and on His schedule, but Christ stands ready always to heal every ounce and aspect of your agony."

He was right. Christ knows PERFECTLY what I am and was experiencing. I have felt so completely alone, yet He is right there. And not only will He never leave my side, but He KNOWS exactly how I am feeling. I know this to be true with all of my heart, yet I still get to a point where there seems to be no relief. I often wonder how I got to the place I am right now. How have I not yet learned what I am supposed to from all of these experiences? What more do I need to do? I am not sure, and a lot of days, I feel like there is not really a light at the end of the tunnel. But I know that in and ONLY through the Savior, will I ever get to the place I want to be. He knows. I just have to keep repeating that to myself. He really does know. 

In my therapy session last week, my therapist suggested I start a positivity journal. Each day I have been writing down things that have happened throughout the day that I saw as positives. Heavenly Father has helped me see SO many tender mercies. Several things have happened that are such sweet, tender mercies...Throughout this week I have had four different students from my past years of teaching reach out to me through email to tell me hello and that they miss me. My principal helped me with an assignment that I had to do for one of my graduate classes. I mentioned to her that I am getting my degree in administration, but that I didn't know that I would be a principal. She told me that she thinks I most definitely should be a principal. She said many kind things to me that I honestly didn't know she felt. Wednesday morning of this week,  I was having an extra hard moment before school started where I had to go to the bathroom at the school, shut the door, and literally plead with Heavenly Father to just please help me through the day. Right when I walked back into my classroom, there was a text from my brother telling me he loved me and that he hoped I had a great day. It was a reminder that I was being thought about. Another evening, more panic and anxiety set in and I was at a really yucky place, I looked on my phone and there was an ad for a podcast that I had never heard of. I listened to it and it was exactly what I needed to hear that very moment. Wow! So many positive things happen all the time when I open my eyes enough to focus on them instead of the negatives.

I have felt so hopeless and honestly, flat out useless to the world. After seeing Heavenly Father's hand in so many small details of my life just this past week, I know that I will come out on top. Mental health is so important, and I know that I am not the only one that struggles. It is a prevalent struggle for people these days. I write this with a lot of vulnerability and do so because I know that when I can see I am not the only one that struggles with similar things, I can feel that others might just truly understand the feelings and emotions that overcome me at times and that maybe I am not so "crazy".