Life Changing Moments...

D came back down to St. George after returning home from Portland to be with me. It was Monday, December 6, 2021. My dad had come home late that evening after spending all day at the hospital with my mom. He came home barely being able to talk. The doctor told him that he was going to need end of life counseling and that there just was nothing more that could be done for my mom. We believe in what is called the Priesthood. This is a sacred calling that men of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints hold when they are worthy to do so. God's Priesthood is simply the authority to act in His name. Being worthy, in a nutshell, just means they are abiding by the commandments of God and have been set apart with this sacred calling. Those that hold the Priesthood are able to give blessings by laying their hands on the recipient's head and offering a prayer in their behalf. My brother, his wife, my daughter, her husband, D, and I were all in my dad's bedroom discussing what was happening. My brother wanted to give my dad a blessing. He asked D and my son in law to stand in on the blessing. It was such a beautiful and sacred experience for all of us. We had extremely heavy hearts, but felt peace and comfort afterwards.

The next day, I got a phone call from my dad as he had gone to the hospital early that morning to be with mom. He told me that they were allowing myself, my siblings, and their spouses to come to the hospital to see mom before she passed. At this point, I knew I was going to marry D. We had talked about it and we were very serious. He came to the hospital with us. We were all able to go in and be next to my mom. We spent some time with her by her bedside before she finally passed away. It was one of the worst days of my life. It couldn't be real. She was only 66. She was so healthy. She had such a zest for life. She loved with her whole heart and devoted her life to serving everyone around her, especially her family and her grandkids. She was not just "grandma" to the kids, but their best friend. She loved them with all that she had in her. She would always say, "I'm living to at least 100. I have to be here when Sofie (my youngest niece) has her kids." This was all too fast. It wasn't happening. She couldn't be gone. She couldn't. It has been 7 months and I still haven't fully come to terms that she is gone. That she isn't coming home. That she isn't just on a trip. It was a whirlwind of so many emotions, getting things ready for her funeral, visitors, phone calls, etc. D was with me through it all. He was holding my hand when she passed. He came to the mortuary with my dad, my siblings, and I to get things picked out and planned. He was walking with me as we followed her casket into the chapel on the day of her funeral. He was even a pallbearer. 

Shortly after the funeral was over and we were still in this cloud of emotions and craziness all around. D came to me and proposed that he move to St. George. He said he wanted to be close to me and support me through this. I couldn't begin to explain the happiness that brought. I felt so loved. I felt like I FINALLY had this partner I had prayed my whole life for. FINALLY! I asked him if he would just rent an apartment. I was living with my parents (and now just my dad) for the time being. He said that it would just make sense to move in with us. I was taken back, but was so elated that he was willing to do this for me that I was all for it. We asked my dad what he thought and my dad was supportive of the idea as I am sure he was so beside himself at this point he didn't even care what was going on around him. He moved down over my Christmas break. He rented his house in northern Utah to his daughter and her husband. He has a pretty big house and so they were looking for another couple to rent the bottom half out. I went up and helped him pack up all of his personal items and get the house ready for his daughter to move in. One thing that I noticed the first time I went to his house was that he still had pictures of his ex wife displayed. I thought it was odd but tried not to ever let it get to me. I didn't bring it up until after we were exclusive and serious. I told him that it felt like I kind of lived in her shadow. I knew it was ultimately her that initiated and was the petitioner for their divorce. He told me he wanted to work through things, but knew it was for the best. He communicated with her often through texts and phone calls which at first didn't bother me, but after getting more serious I felt a little threatened by that. They have all adult children and it wasn't necessary to communicate as much as they did. I, again, told myself to stop feeling threatened and to just relax. Stop acting crazy. When I would mention these things to him, he would just tell me they were just good friends and I didn't need to worry about anything. He was right. Why was I feeling so threatened by that? He eventually told me he could see why I would feel uneasy about it and that he understood. I often was wondering why I couldn't just relax. Why I was making such a big deal out of so many seemingly small things. Why was my stomach in knots so much and why was I having so much anxiety when he was so loving? He was always so even, didn't really show much emotion regardless of it being high or low. He was so patient with my anxiety about things. 

Through the funeral and after he moved to St. George, I felt like he was inserting himself in my life more than ever. I was feeling a little bit like I didn't have my own identity with him. But at the same time, I felt so grateful that he wanted to stand by my side and be a partner. I just chalked up the feelings I was having to it being so long since I had a partner and that I was just so used to my independence at this point. He was involved in everything from extremely special and intimate occasions like my daughter's wedding and being at my mom's bedside with me when she passed, to coming to my work almost daily and bringing me lunch and staying even after I would let my students in from recess, all of our family gatherings, waiting for me at my dentist appointments, different events I was apart of, etc. However, I wasn't really involved very intimately in his own personal life. I understood that a lot of it was the proximity of where his family was where mine was close, but I didn't feel like I was really apart of his life. However, he was a huge part of mine. All of my family knew him, friends, even co-workers! It was very unbalanced and it felt uneasy in some ways. 

One evening we got into a discussion about past relationships. There really isn't anything good that can come from that unless maybe you're discussing something you have learned. He asked how many relationships I had been in since divorce and I told him just two. The long on and off relationship that was very unhealthy, and one in between that only lasted a few months. He said, "Oh and Jared." What in the world?! I had gone on three dates with a guy named Jared before meeting him. But I didn't consider it a relationship and never had even mentioned him or thought much about him since those dates. How did he know about Jared?? I asked him and he just looked at me and calmly said, "It doesn't matter how I know, what matters is that I know." I was so distraught. I felt like I had done something wrong. But I didn't. This guy was before he came into the picture and it didn't matter anyway. It was so odd. He also brought up the three year relationship. Unfortunately, that guy still would text me occasionally. I wouldn't really respond, and if I did, I would shut him down since being with D. How did he know he was reaching out to me. I asked him and he told me he saw. "Ok, then you would see that I didn't really engage and there was nothing there", I said. I then told him I should block him anyway. So I did right then. He then asked me if I just kept him around to fund my lifestyle. WHAT? I was so confused. "What are you talking about?" I asked him. He told me he saw my Venmo transaction history and he saw the many times he sent me money. I told him that first of all, each and every one of those times were unsolicited and I NEVER asked for any money. Most of those times I told him not to send it. And in fact, I actually had blocked him on Venmo so he wouldn't keep sending me money because it was usually one of his tactics to get me to engage or to make me feel like I owed him something. But why would D go through my Venmo transaction history? How did he know about Jared? I deleted texts from people consistently that I didn't communicate with any longer. I didn't even have our text thread anymore. I was feeling like I was the scum of the earth at this point, he was calling me out on things that were very factual, but had nothing to do with him or were things that caused an interference in our relationship. He made it seem like I was doing so many things I shouldn't be. 

About a month into D living here, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Mostly because I would have thought this was exactly what I wanted and needed, but why did I consistently have anxiety and why was I not feeling totally happy with him? I didn't understand and was continually getting mad at myself for feeling this way when I should be so incredibly happy. We still were talking about marriage, looking for a lot to build on or a home to buy, and setting goals. I had D come to a few of my therapy sessions with me so that he could better understand where I was coming from. We talked with my therapist and asked him if he thought it would be a good idea to do premarital counseling. He said it is a good idea for any couple that is considering marriage. So I got us into a marriage counselor that has always been highly recommended by people I knew personally that saw him.

A couple of weeks before we started going to therapy, at the end of February, it was D's grandma's 90th birthday party in northern Utah. I had discussed with him that I wanted to feel like I was more a part of his life like he was in mine. I told him I was excited to go to her birthday party so that I could be around his family more. The day before we were supposed to leave for northern Utah for the weekend to go to the party, he came to school to bring me lunch. While we were eating, I said, "You still want me to go with you right?' He responded, "You can." What? I can? That wasn't what I had asked. I asked two more times, "Do you WANT me to go?", and the same response, "you can". I got upset. I asked him if he didn't want me to go and he told me that his daughter (who now rented his house) was having friends over that weekend. He reminded me of the last time we went and she had friends over. I said, "D, I don't even know why I was having an anxiety attack. But even if it was because of her and all of their friends being there, can't I ever redeem myself? Am I just not allowed to be around her when she has friends now because I was struggling one time? And it is something I am very self-aware of and have been working on and exploring to strengthen the coping mechanisms I need to prevent that from happening." I asked for the fourth time, "Do you want me to come?" When he answered the same for the fourth time that I could go and not that he wanted me to, I told him to please leave. I was starting to cry and my students were going to be coming back from recess any time. He left. I was anxious because first of all he didn't even want me to go with him, and now he left angry and that was a trigger for me. That is what the guy from my three year relationship did all the time. He would leave angry, block me, tell me to never contact him again, and then eventually use whatever tactics to get me back, but only for his gain. 

I had parent-teacher conferences that afternoon. I was texting D and asking him what was going on in between seeing parents. This is where I was completely unhealthy. I needed to be present and professional at my place of employment. I needed to be focusing on my students, their parents, and the whole purpose of what I was doing there. But I couldn't. He just kept telling me that I wasn't going to go with him. That I needed to stay home and we needed to have a break. I was SO confused. We had talked about this since he found out about it. I had told him how excited I was to be around his family and get to know them better. I didn't understand. Why did I ask if he was still wanting me to go up? That is where the anxiety would come and I didn't feel completely safe with him. I knew there was something off and felt I should ask, but now that I did, this was where we were.

When I got home from school, I went into where he was working. I instantly started to cry. I was trying so hard not to because I knew he hated when I did and would call them, "melt downs", "tantrums", or "episodes". I always felt crazy when I cried or struggled with something. He didn't get angry he always stayed very even tempered, but I felt like I could never get my feelings to be validated. I always felt stupid and didn't know how to articulate what I was feeling because he wouldn't really listen to where I was coming from. I started getting to the point where I was literally begging him to let me go with him. He just kept saying, "No, it's not a good weekend." I asked why? Why when I could be around his family. Weren't we trying to build a life together? His son was moving to Texas for a new job the next week and I knew we were going to try and go to lunch with him on Saturday while we were up there. After I asked why it wasn't a good weekend, he told me his son wouldn't go to lunch if I was there. He was painfully introverted and was still not huge on the fact his parents were dating, is what D always told me. I told him I wouldn't go, I would go see my friend or something while he went to lunch with his son. He then told me that if I went to his grandma's party, his sister wouldn't go. I was wondering what in the world I had done to cause all of these people to not want to be around me when I barely was around them one time! I asked him why. She lives in Arizona. She is still really close with his ex wife and was coming up to Utah to stay with her and see her while also going to her grandma's party. He told me that she was bringing his ex wife and it wouldn't be good if I was there too. WHAT?? I said, "So your ex wife is able to go be apart of your family when she is now your EX wife, but I can't go because she will be there? Yet I am the one you are now trying to build a life with?" He didn't respond to that, he just said, "You aren't coming it isn't a good weekend." There was no changing his mind. I had to be ok with it. I didn't understand and it felt so wrong, but I knew it was somehow my fault for being where we were. I should have never had that anxiety attack. I shouldn't have told him to leave my classroom. I was acting crazy and this time he told me I was as well. He left the next day. After we started dating, he wanted to share our locations with each other. I thought it was kind of odd, but I did. I texted him shortly after he got there. He said he was going to get some dinner at his favorite wing place. I asked who he was going with and he said he was just going by himself. I checked his location and he was telling the truth. He was at the restaurant. He was there for almost two and a half hours. I thought that was a really long time when eating alone. It made me feel uneasy, but I just kept telling myself I was crazy. That weekend he texted sporadically, and we talked a little bit. He came home late Sunday night. It was a little off at first, but then things started getting back to normal a little. 

That week was our first time going to therapy. The night before, he was in my dad's hyperbaric chamber. I went in to scare him just for fun. At the top of the chamber is a small window. I went from the top so he couldn't see me and saw he had his computer opened. He had his texts up and I could see a kissy emoji. I knew I hadn't recently sent him one of those and he hadn't sent me one either. I looked closer. What in the world? It was a screen shot of one of my texts from over a year ago that a guy sent me that I had talked to for a short amount of time. I looked closer. He had forwarded himself several texts that were mine of conversations with different people I had conversed with through dating apps over a period of time. All of which were before I even knew he existed! When he got out, I told him we needed to talk. I asked him why in the world he had those texts. He told me that he was reading them so that we could be ready for therapy the next day. What? I didn't understand. First of all, when and how did he get all of these texts? Why were they relevant to our relationship? And what was the point of bringing them up in therapy?? He talked in circles and didn't really make sense as to why he had done what he did and what this had to do with us, but by the time I tried to have him clarify for the fifth time, I was even more confused and just let it be. 

The next day we started therapy. It was not what I was expecting...