What is a Narcissist?

    I barely scraped the surface of my first relationship after my divorce in my last post. I didn't get into a lot of detail. My ex husband was an addict. Before he got heavily into his addictions, he was the most caring, loving, kind husband and father. My kids and I were his world. We knew he loved us. He was always looking out for our best interest. He was the most charismatic person I had ever met. He loved with his whole heart. He accepted everyone for who they were. He encouraged me, cheered me on, gave me strength, gave me hope, and I knew he would always have my back. He was my best friend. That is who I know he really is, even still to this day. Addictions, of any kind, can completely change a person from being their core self. It is heart breaking to watch the transformation as I did with him. Although I certainly saw some major changes with him, I knew I could attribute them solely to an addict mentality. Not because it was who he really was.

I didn't know what the term "narcissist" really meant. I had heard it, and I feel that it is even loosely used far too often, but I didn't know that it was a personality disorder. I didn't have anyone in my life that was close to me that was classified as a narcissist, until I started dating after my divorce. The official definition of a narcissist is "A person who is overly self-involved and often vain and selfish; a person who derives erotic gratification from admiration of their own physical or mental attributes." That is a basic definition. However, there is so much that goes into this personality disorder. I have experienced this first hand in the two long-term relationships I have had since divorce. Both ultimately traumatized me with many similarities, but so many differences as well.

My first relationship was what you might typically see or hear of. We met on one of the dating apps. We talked through text for a few days. We talked on the phone a handful of times and it felt so good! I felt like we connected on so many levels. We seemed to have so much in common. He was so kind. He was always saying flattering things. It felt good to have that attention and to feel like someone thought those things about me. Although, I did feel like it was odd that he was saying so many things where he didn't really even know me. We were able to meet in person. I was extremely nervous. I didn't know how to do this! I don't even know how to flirt. I really don't! When I saw him face to face, it was almost instantly a different feeling than what I had talking to him through text and on the phone. I couldn't pinpoint it exactly. We spent the day together. He was very affectionate and I didn't know how to take that. Both physically and through words. It felt weird to me. But it also was really flattering and felt good to be wanted. I didn't have any boundaries. I thought I did, but I didn't. I didn't even really know what boundaries were. I had standards for myself and knew what was "right" and "wrong" as far as how I lived and what I learned growing up. Boundaries however, I feel like were next to non-existent. I was a major people pleaser. I hated conflict. I wanted to always make everyone around me happy, however that looked or whatever it took, even if that meant me having to sacrifice my own joy at times. After that first date, I was so confused. It felt so good to be "wanted" but I didn't have butterflies, mostly just confusion. It didn't feel right, but I didn't want to feel alone and rejected or abandoned again. We continued talking. We didn't live close so it was mostly communication through texts, phone calls, and FaceTime here and there. After meeting in person and talking for a couple of weeks, he told me he loved me. I felt so awkward. I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I wanted so badly to have that kind of love. Although, I didn't feel it, I told him (very reluctantly) that I loved him too. It was wrong on so many levels. I knew he didn't know me well enough to determine that he loved me. I knew that I didn't love him. Extremely unhealthy on both of our ends. He started to buy things left and right for me, for my kids, even for my family members. It was difficult as I was very independent. I wasn't used to this. I was BARELY starting my career as a teacher, that in and of itself isn't the most high paying job. I wasn't accustomed to just buying whatever I wanted for myself. It was hard to accept. Not because I was too proud, but because it just didn't feel right. I would kindly turn him down, then he would say something to make me feel like it was hurtful that I wouldn't let him do things for me, I would feel guilty and cave. It got to a point that if I tried to pay for things myself, or if I wouldn't take his credit card to buy things, he would get upset. It felt like he was trying to buy my love, my kids' love, and my family's love. I learned quickly that he didn't really know how to love the way I needed and wanted to be loved. I began to just not even say "no thank you" to things he wanted to buy and allowed him to do so. He took us on trips, bought hundreds of dollars of clothes, shoes, things I would need, would Venmo me money all the time... I also learned quickly after we became exclusive that he wasn't as attentive and endearing as he was when we first started seeing each other unless he wanted some type of physical affection, then I was all of a sudden his world. I was so confused. I started to have major triggers come out. He would say or do things and I would react in a very unhealthy and panicked manner. It would cause him to get really upset. I didn't realize then that these were triggers. He started to not seem to have time for me. I wasn't expecting him to jump the moment I reached out, but it would be hours at times before he would respond. That was one of my major triggers. In my marriage, I never knew where my ex husband was. I could never get a hold of him. He wouldn't respond to my texts or answer my phone calls, or if he did, it would be hours and hours later. I realized that I struggled with this for that very reason and even informed, my now boyfriend, how it affected me. He would get angry and tell me he wasn't my ex husband and to stop characterizing him as such. I would feel terrible for doing so and beat myself up for it. He started to become more and more evasive with things and when I would get worried or upset, I would get "in trouble". If I ever mentioned anything that I didn't care for that he did, or didn't do, he would get upset and tell me that I wasn't the most ideal person to be with. He would then say things like, "After all I have done for you. I bought you (X, Y, or Z) and you treat me like this?" I would, again, beat myself up for mentioning anything to him that bothered me or hurt my feelings. I never dared to say anything. But occasionally I would muster up that courage, and it would be the same result. 

After about five months into dating I saw texts on his Apple Watch from another girl. They seemed more than friendly. When I asked him about them, he got angry and would tell me that it was a girl he went on one date with that needed support from a friend. He wasn't the same person I met at the beginning. I felt like most of the time I was nothing to him. I was having more and more triggers. I kept attributing those to my marriage and the trauma from that, especially because he would be upset that I would ever feel he was anything like my ex husband. And he was right, he wasn't. He ended things with me, usually in a hostile manner. He would block me on his phone, emails, social media accounts. I would do whatever it took to get a hold of him. I would chase and chase. I didn't even understand why. When I was with him, I always felt anxious and that I never did anything right. He was always really critical of me. But for whatever reason, I would go into panic mode when he would be "done". I always found some way to get a hold of him. He would always make sure I knew how worthless I was, and then lure me in with uncomfortable things that I didn't want to be a part of (usually telling me how he wanted me in a sexual way, my body was "hot", etc) but I would succumb to in order to have him not leave me. That happened literally countless times. I felt yucky. I felt discouraged. I felt worthless. I didn't know who I was. I was allowing it to trickle into how I was as a mother. This went on and on for over three years. This cat and mouse game. I was so lost. I was so confused. So full of anxiety all the time. When was he going to leave next? Would he respond to me today? Would I ever see him again? Those were the day to day worries I had. It was toxic, to say the very least. I stayed. It would end, I would chase, we would be "together". And the cycle went on and on. In between all of those times together and not together, I would meet others and go on dates. Nothing ever came of those as the dating world at this age is very very difficult and I wasn't healthy.

After things ended once again with this first relationship for what really was the last time, I did meet a guy that I started falling fast for. I knew I FINALLY found what I had waited so long for. He was just who I was waiting for! He was so patient, loving, attentive, kind, endearing, and I really had feelings for him. These feelings weren't manufactured like in the previous relationship. My kids even liked him and after the previous relationship, I didn't think they would ever approve of anyone again. My parents liked him. My siblings liked him. My friends liked him. He was a catch! Or so I thought...