You're Acting Crazy...

Nearly a year ago, I was in a really low place. I felt beaten down. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was desperate to feel loved and wanted. My daughter was getting married and so I was trying to focus on getting that ready. I just felt so hollow inside. I was tired of doing all of these major things in my life without a partner to share the excitement, to confide in when I was feeling overwhelmed, to bounce ideas off of. In August, 2021, I met a guy. He was actually from the same town I am from. He was 8 years older than me so we didn't know the same people from school, in fact I went to school with his youngest sister. However, we did know of a lot of the same people and families. He seemed really nice. He still lived in northern Utah and I live in southern Utah. But we did meet about a week after we started talking. It was fun. I felt like he was really nice, but I wasn't sure it was going to go anywhere. On our first date, we went to Las Vegas to watch BYU play Arizona at the Raiders Stadium. It was really fun. He was so kind and really actually showed that he was interested. 

We talked daily. We sent video messages each morning wishing each other a good morning and a great day. He was very endearing. We had only known each other for a few weeks when my daughter was getting married. He wanted me to go up and see him and I told him that I couldn't on the weekend in September of my daughter's wedding. I jokingly told him he was welcome to come to the wedding. I was surprised when he told me he would love to. I almost didn't know how to take it. We had only known each other a short time. We weren't officially dating, just had gone out a couple of times and had been talking. But it felt so great to have someone want to get to know me so much. He ended up coming down. He helped set up for the wedding. He stayed through the whole reception. At one point he asked me if I wanted him to stand in the line with me. I really thought he was joking and I laughed and told him, of course he didn't need to do that. I was blown away when he was being serious. This is where I didn't have any boundaries. None. I didn't want him to do that for many reasons. I barely knew him for a matter of a few weeks, we weren't exclusively dating, I didn't know how I would introduce him, I didn't want to make myself or my daughter feel weird, and what if I never saw him after then how would I explain to SO many people when I knew they would be bound to ask about him... he did stand by me. It was awkward, I didn't know how to introduce him, and I did get many questions. But again, it felt so good that someone would want to really be involved in my life like that. I didn't even look at it as a red flag at the time. I was, once again, so desperately wanting that type of love and companionship. 

After the wedding, we started seeing each other nearly every weekend. I would go up there most of the time. Often I would take my son, and sometimes it would just be me. I didn't know what we were still. I would guess it was more exclusive considering the amount of time we were talking and all of the three hour trips to see each other. I still had people reaching out to me that I had been getting to know. One evening a guy asked me to watch a movie. I wanted to tell him I was dating someone, but I really wasn't sure. One reason I didn't know for sure was this guy was still going to events for singles. I didn't know how to take that. So I took it as he was not wanting to be exclusive with me. It was a little discouraging because I felt like there was so much effort (mostly on my end because of traveling up to see him) being made to have this relationship evolve. I asked D (that is what I am going to call him) if I could talk to him. I didn't know what to do. You would think it was written out for me that we were exclusively dating, but unfortunately dating at this age there are more games than ever and it is really hard. There have been many times that I felt someone was really wanting to get to know me, only to find out that I was just one of many and really not worth their time. I called D and we talked. I told him that I had been asked to a movie with another guy. I told him that I didn't know what we were at this point and that I didn't know if I should go or not. He told me that he wanted to be exclusive. I was very grateful that we had solidified that. I really liked him and it felt so good to finally find someone that I really cared about and that I knew really cared for me and wanted to be with me.

 I figured that now we were exclusive that would mean that we would not be on dating apps, going to single's events, or talking to anyone of the opposite sex anymore as far as it being a means to date. So I was surprised one evening when I Facetimed D and he said he was on his way to a restaurant with a singles group. His reason being that it was the only way he could have a social life. I didn't want to be "that" girlfriend that was controlling or dictated what he did, but it really bothered me. I tried really hard to take it for face value and realized that having some social outlets was very important especially since we didn't live by each other. You're acting crazy, I would think to myself. Don't be crazy. He was just going to socialize, not to meet other girls.

 He continued to go to these events and every time I would feel anxious. One of the times he video messaged me and had another guy with him. He said, "Hey (whatever the guy's name was) say hi to my friend in St. George!" Your FRIEND in St.George? I thought I was now his girlfriend. I asked him about it. He said, "what? I said girlfriend." I told him that he most certainly didn't and wondered why. My mind instantly went to him not wanting to make it known that he was with someone so that he could still be known as available if a better opportunity arose. I didn't have any confidence in myself and instantly thought the worst with people I dated. He apologized and said he didn't mean anything by saying friend. He then told me that he didn't need to go to those events anymore. He did it with a lot of reluctance. I then beat myself up for getting so worried and anxious. I didn't want to dictate what he did and didn't do in his life. But I also wanted to feel safe, and that didn't make me feel very safe, especially where he clearly wasn't making it known that he was dating someone exclusively. But again, I was also telling myself to relax, I was being irrational and crazy.

After we became exclusive he told me that he had an affair on his wife. When he first said it, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I REALLY liked him, but this was something that caused more damage than anything else in my marriage and I could never go through that experience again. After that initial shock, I thought about it and thought, wow that is actually commendable that he would be so upfront at the beginning with me! He told me that he went through a long process of repentance and forgiveness and that he was extremely remorseful and learned so much through that time. I just kept thinking how great he was. That he must be trustworthy if he was willing to tell me this right away. 

  I was so grateful I had finally found someone that was so kind, loving, attentive, and especially patient as I knew I still had so much to work through in my healing process from previous relationship trauma. We were telling each other I love you at this point. We were talking all day through texts and every night Facetime when we weren't together physically. I felt so grateful. I had found such an amazing person and I knew he loved me.

I knew I was so lucky to have found him and most of the time feeling so happy, but I didn't know why I was still so anxious at times. I would beat myself up for being that way. I was so angry that I was allowing previous trauma trickle into this relationship. Why was I so anxious still? I had this wonderful person that I knew loved me. We went up to his house one weekend after he came and spent a couple of days in St. George. As we were driving up there, his daughter called him and told him that she, her husband, and some of their friends were going to go to his house to use his smoker to make some hamburgers and use the hot tub. He told her we were on our way up there but that it would be ok if they did that. I was a little nervous as I had only met his daughter and her husband once. When we did meet that one time, I felt like a fish out of water. We went to brunch with them and I didn't even know how to include myself in the conversation as it was about things I wasn't aware of and people I didn't know that they were all familiar with. I was more reserved and felt a little out of place as D wasn't really making an effort to include me. I was mad at myself for feeling that way and kept telling myself to stop feeling bad. I was being too sensitive. I was expecting too much for him to put his arm around me and help me understand what they were conversing about.

 When we arrived at his house, there was a house full of young married couples. I tried really hard to be social and to be friendly and ask about them. Again, I felt completely out of place and didn't know what was wrong with me! These kids were all my daughter's age. It shouldn't intimidate me. D was acting like he was really trying to fit in with them, almost trying to be the "cool" dad and again, really didn't make an effort to help me feel comfortable. I started to feel it coming and didn't know what to do. The anxiety was taking over. I wanted to hide. I was sweating. My heart was racing. "What in the world is wrong with me??", I kept wondering. "Stop being this way, you're being ridiculous." Those thoughts just kept going over and over again in my head. I asked D if I could go use his bathroom. I sat in his room on the floor and froze. I couldn't move. He came in and asked what was wrong and I just started to cry for no reason. He looked at me like I was crazy, and at this point I felt like I was. He went back out with his daughter and their friends. I sat in his room and sobbed. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Where was this coming from? This wasn't normal. 

When we first started dating I introduced D to the band Lany. He had never heard of them and loved their songs that I sent him. My daughter and her husband were going to their concert in November and I told D that I was so sad there was no way I could get time off for us to go too because it was Parent/Teacher conference week. I had to be there to meet with my students' parents. One weekend I went up there and we were going to the Dan and Shay concert. When we went, it was at the same venue that the Lany concert was going to be a couple of weeks after. There were signs promoting that concert and I mentioned again that I was so sad I couldn't go. The next thing I know, D was on his phone asking his daughter if she and her husband would like to go to the Lany concert with him. I felt really bugged and a little hurt he would do that. He could tell I was a little upset as I got quieter. He asked what was wrong and I told him I was just sad he would do that right in front of me as I had just mentioned how I wanted to go so badly. He told me he was sorry and he was sure I could go next time. I told myself to stop acting like a spoiled child and just be happy that he is going. Why did it make me feel bad that he did that? What was wrong with me? He should be able to do whatever he wants and I was acting crazy. A couple of weeks later it was the Lany concert. My daughter asked D if she and her husband could stay at his house when they went up for it. He was very kind and told her of course they could. It was a little hard for me the night of the concert, but I tried to let it just be. I didn't want to feel like that. I was being ridiculous. 

 We continued the long distance thing and mostly saw each other on the weekends. Thanksgiving was fast approaching. I asked him what his plans were and he didn't really have any, so I invited him to St .George to have it with my family. My brother and his family were going to be out of town with his wife's family so we were going to have it with my daughter's in-laws and my parents were going as well. D came down that Monday before Thanksgiving. My dad had been pretty sick with a bad cold and my mom was starting to get it as well. They decided they would go and get tested for Covid. They were tested Tuesday and both tested positive. D started getting really sick as well and also tested positive. So that meant we all had to quarantine and Thanksgiving wasn't going to be how we had planned. D was really sick for about a day and started to feel better. My dad was feeling a bit better as well, but my mom was actually feeling worse. Thanksgiving day, I made the dinner and we were going to just have it with my parents since we all had to quarantine. The day after Thanksgiving we had planned to go up to D's house to spend the rest of the weekend there and do some things together to kick off the Christmas season. I noticed that on Thanksgiving day D was on his computer a lot and also on his phone. I was busy making dinner as my mom couldn't really even get out of bed. I walked over to where D was sitting and saw that he had the site up where he booked hotels. I asked what he was doing. He said his son wanted to go to Kansas City to watch Real Salt Lake MLS team play. I asked when and he said the next day. I asked if he was going and he said he wanted to. I felt bad as we had planned the weekend together and also a little annoyed that he would go when he still hadn't been clear of Covid. It caused tension that day. He told me he felt bad changing our plans but he wanted to take the opportunity to spend time with his son. I was really trying to be supportive, and not be upset because that would be what a controlling girlfriend would do and I didn't want that. It was silly for me to be upset. I needed to relax. I didn't want to act crazy. He left the next day. 

That weekend my mom was just not feeling better at all. Sunday, her oxygen got extremely low and so my dad took her to the ER. They admitted her to the hospital. I figured they would monitor her for a night, get her oxygen up, and she would be home the next day. I was wrong. They kept her. I was a little worried, but knew it wasn't anything to get too worried about. 

D was back in Northern Utah from his trip and came back down to St. George. There was another MLS playoff game that RSL made in Portland that very next weekend. D's son wanted to go again. I asked D if he was going with him and he said he didn't think so. His other daughter lives in Portland, so I had a feeling he was going to go. My mom was not doing well. They transferred her to the ICU unit on Wednesday as they just couldn't get her oxygen to be sustainable at a good level. I asked D again if he was going to go to Portland and he said he wanted to. I asked him if there was any way he would stay with me as I was worried about my mom. My dad was the only one that could go be with her in the hospital. He was still exhausted himself after recovering from Covid. I was worried about him as well. He came home one afternoon from the hospital and started saying things I didn't want to hear and actually got mad at him for saying. He was saying that he wouldn't know what he would do if he lost her. How could he ever live without her. Things like that. I told him to stop and that she was going to be just fine. D told me he knew she would be just fine as well and that he would come right back down with me after he went to Portland. I didn't understand what was so important about these soccer games and how people could just spend the money to follow this team around. I felt discouraged that he was still going to go even after I asked if he would stay with me as I was so worried about both of my parents, especially my mom. But again, I was being selfish. How could I dictate his life? I shouldn't! Even though we were talking about marriage, we weren't married. I needed to stop. I was acting crazy. He left to fly to Portland that Friday. On Sunday my dad came home from the hospital and they said the only thing left to do for my mom was to put her on a ventilator. My dad was not having it and she didn't want to be on one either. I kept thinking she is going to be just fine. Why is everyone freaking out? My dad then told me, there really was a big chance she wouldn't make it because her lungs were so damaged. WHAT??? No she was going to be just fine. I told D what was going on and he said he would come and be right with me when he flew back from Portland. I was so grateful to have a partner like him by my side. I knew my mom would be just fine. I knew it. I also knew that D was exactly who I wanted to spend my life with. I also knew that I was needing to stop with all of the anxiety and triggers around him and what he did. I was acting crazy and I hated that my trauma from past relationships was seeming to dictate my actions in this relationship that I had waited so long to find. I needed to stop. There was no reason for me to be so anxious, or was there?