I Didn't Listen to My Body...

I have told my story about three very hard, traumatic, life-altering relationships. Although there are some similarities with each one, they are all very different. I don't think that you are necessarily "meant" to have certain experiences in your life. I don't believe God has these things planned out for you. We all have our agency. In each of these experiences, I had the power to choose. I didn't want these things to happen. I didn't expect these things to happen. I would never want to experience these things again. However, I did have a choice in all of this. What I chose to do in every one of these experiences was to turn my head to things I never should have. Things I knew I didn't feel good about. I didn't listen to what my body was telling me. Why? Why didn't I? Because I was literally desperate to feel loved in this capacity. But I didn't love myself.

In my marriage, for the last 5 years there were so many things that I didn't want to believe. So many things I could have prevented, but I was so focused on not losing my eternal companion, our eternal family, and knew that I didn't ever want to be divorced. So I stayed. I justified. I made excuses. I wasn't listening to my literal gut instincts. My stomach being in knots even after my ex husband would reassure me that everything was just fine. That I had nothing to worry about. I pushed those feelings away and forced myself to believe him. I didn't want to believe anything was wrong. I didn't want to believe that he was making the choices he was making. I wanted to believe the things he was telling me. I wanted to believe that we would be together forever as partners and as a family.

My first relationship after divorce there were many times I chose not to listen to my body. When meeting him for the first time in person and feeling something was not right. Feeling like this person was definitely not for me, not even for any definitive reason, just because of the feelings I was having in my body. The anxiety. Then having him tell me all the things I dreamt of hearing one day; that I was someone he felt like he could talk to forever, that he wanted me and never another person, that he loved me and wanted to marry me one day, etc. It felt good to be wanted after feeling so much rejection for the last 5 years of my marriage. Feeling like I was never a priority and that there always seemed to be something more important to be doing or someone more important to be with. I wanted to feel wanted like this guy was making me feel. Interesting how once I committed, I never felt those amazing feelings from him again. I soon started feeling just like I did in the last several years of my marriage. There was always something better to be doing, someone better to be talking to, not a need to communicate with me. I also turned my head to things that I never felt comfortable with. Him pressuring me me to do things physically that I didn't want to do for many reasons. The main one being we weren't married, but also the fact I felt violated by him. I felt like if I were offering any type of physical affection, I was all of a sudden important. He would also tell me I didn't love him if I didn't provide those things for him. I was starting to feel like an object, just like I did at the end of my marriage. But I CHOSE to stay. I couldn't be rejected or abandoned again. Instead I chose to feel miserable, unhappy, panicked, anxious. I chose to be so afraid of what I would be in trouble for next with him. What I didn't do right. What I would be criticized for. I chose to turn my head to many signs of unfaithful behaviors and even evidence. I chose to believe him, not my body, not my instincts. 

Then there was D. I didn't mention a lot of things that went on throughout our months of seriously dating, but I chose to ignore my body countless times. I turned my head. Date number one when we were in Las Vegas for the BYU football game, we walked passed the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino. He started telling me stories about when he would travel to Vegas for work. His goal was to make me laugh with this story because it was so "funny". When we were on this first date, D had been divorced just about 19 months. He proceeded to tell me that back when he was working for a certain company, he was in Vegas for work and he and his fellow colleagues went to the club at the MGM. My mind went instantly to, you went to a club with the values and standards you claim to have and also were married? I was wondering that because what do you do at clubs? Mostly drink, socialize, hit on the opposite sex, dance, etc... He then proceeded to tell me this "really hot girl kept looking over" at him and "showing a lot of interest" in him. Again my mind goes to, you were MARRIED. He said he saw her heading over to him and he was getting "super excited". Ok but YOU WERE MARRIED!! When she got to him she patted his stomach and told him that he must eat a lot of chips. He was laughing hysterically. I was mortified that he was acting like it was no big deal that he was hoping this “hot” girl came over and talked to him even though he was married. What would he have done if she really was coming to flirt with him and hit on him? I wondered. It bothered me. But what did I do? I ignored it. I turned my head. I didn’t immediately rule out that this wasn’t someone I would want because, once again, he was so interested in me. It felt good to be wanted. I didn’t have strong boundaries or enough respect for myself to thank him for the nice time, tell him I appreciated him taking me, but that I don’t think we are compatible.

This may be silly but a couple of my other single friends and I started noticing a trend with these single guys we had talked to and gone on dates with. Generally, they all follow at least over a thousand people on social media and a great majority of those people they follow or are friends with on these platforms are the same types of girls, and even the same exact girls for that matter! The stereo typical Instagram influencer type. I did look at who D followed on Instagram. At the time, that was the only social media platform I was on. I literally only follow around 50 people so I am not big into it. But I noticed just like the general population of these single guys, he did follow about one thousand people. A good percentage of those people were in fact these girls. Not only just the beautiful, "perfect" looking, Instagram influencer type, but also a good majority of very promiscuous accounts. Girls where most of their pictures they were wearing next to nothing. Would I really want to be with a guy that was into this? And if this is who he follows publicly, what was he looking at behind closed doors? I actually brought it up one time as we were further into our relationship and told him how I felt about it. He did go through and unfollowed almost 500 people. That was nice, but I didn't want him to do that for me. I wanted someone that has higher standards than that. That wasn't like all of these other superficial guys that were all about the surface. But he did do that and he told me he didn't even know he followed all those people. He didn't know how he even did. I wanted to believe that...so I did. Although it made me anxious, I ignored what my body was trying to tell me.

He was always making me feel like I was the worst person on the planet but in the most "loving" ways when people I had previously been talking to or went on dates with would reach out. He would ask me how so and so was or if I had talked to so and so lately. I would wonder what in the world he was getting at. So I would ask him and he would usually respond that he had seen a text or a message on Instagram come through. I would ask him if he read my responses to those people and if he did that he would see how quickly I shut them down. Making sure they knew that I was in a relationship. But I would still feel so bad about that. I would feel like I was so horrible that people would reach out to me. I asked him if he still had people reach out to him and he told me that he had closed every door tight and that he had made it clear that he was no longer available. It seemed like he was a little controlling, but then I would remind myself that it was my fault. I would feel so bad.

Although I only follow a handful of people on Instagram, I have people follow me that I don't follow back. A lot of guys that I have talked to or gone on dates with. But I didn't even know I had very many. When my mom passed away, I had several reach out on Instagram simply saying they were sorry for my loss, nothing more. I would respond and tell them thank you so much. Nothing more. Soon after, I can't remember why, but I was looking at my privacy settings on Instagram and noticed that all of these accounts had been blocked. I didn't do it. What in the world? I asked D about it and he said that yes, he did block them because it wasn't healthy to allow them to follow me. I felt like I was having a lot of things dictated, but then would justify his reasoning and not listen to what my body was trying to tell me. 

As I have processed these relationships, especially the most recent being D, with my therapists (I have a personal one and still see the one D and I were going to), they have both told me nearly the exact same thing, but not in the exact same wording. They told me the anxiety, triggers, "meltdowns", all of the things I was doing that I was relentlessly beating myself up for, were ways my body was trying to protect me. It was me not listening and continuing to turn my head, justify, believe, and take the blame. Although those reactions were certainly not healthy and how I handled things was not even appropriate at times, it should've been my motivator to have me see things for what they were, consider how it was making me feel, and to run and not look back...But I didn't. I chose to stay. Especially with D. I genuinely felt like I was so in love with him. That I had finally found this person that I had prayed for SO long to have come into my life. I was so blessed. It was what I had waited for. I wanted that to be the case more than anything. So much so that I sacrificed so much. My health as my hair was falling out by the handfuls, my face was constantly breaking out, I would wake up nearly every morning with knots in my stomach, didn't have energy. I sacrificed my standards. I betrayed who I truly am. I knew I wasn't being the person I wanted and needed to be on so many levels. 

I chose this path. It was my decision and I lost who I was simply to feel that love and companionship. I had very weak boundaries. I allowed people to step over that boundary line. I even invited them to at times. It all boils down to not loving myself enough to know I wouldn't settle for these things. To move on the second I didn't feel respected, or when I saw signs that I definitely didn't want to be with someone who did the things these people were doing. And most importantly, when my body was trying to tell me that I wasn't safe in these relationships. 

Our bodies are amazing. Our bodies know when things are not right for us. They know when things are not healthy. It is up to us to listen. To know that there is a reason for us to feel the way we do. "Gut instincts" are real. I am so in awe of the amazing bodies we have and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we have an all-knowing and loving Heavenly Father that divinely designed our bodies. I have learned more than ever that I need to really listen. Pay attention to what it is trying to tell me. If I am having major anxiety, explore that. Where is it coming from? What is my body trying to tell me? If I feel knots in my stomach, what is my body trying to tell me? It is pretty evident usually, what our bodies are wanting us to know. What they are warning us about, especially as I have processed so much. Of course hindsight is twenty-twenty, but I have learned to really stop and explore why I am feeling the way I am. I am so incredibly grateful for that. For what I have learned through this process. I have so much healing to do still. Healing is messy. The process is painful. My life is very quiet right now. Losing my mom, having my kids both move on to adulthood, not being in a relationship...I have to sit with these feelings and learn to be ok in my own skin. I am doing it. I am still on this journey and will be forever, I am struggling, but struggle can lead to healing and that is the path I am certainly on and refuse to detour from again.