No More Band Aids...

 

I started writing as a means to heal. To help others that may be in similar situations feel like they are not alone. I want to advocate for all that have gone through traumatic relationships whether they be because of addiction, infidelity, personality disorders, their own trauma that hasn't been addressed, whatever the situation may be. Being divorced as long as I have and then having two very difficult relationships after divorce, I have seen so many patterns dating at this age. Unhealthy patterns both in myself and the many guys I have gone on dates with, talked with, or had relationships with. Trying to start from scratch. Trying to find an eternal companion, but having to do so with so many more stipulations at this age than when we were in our twenties never being married before, no kids yet,  just starting careers or still in school. They are two very different stages of life and come with their own challenges. 

My biggest purpose in telling my story is not by any means to get sympathy, play the victim, or to smear anyone's name. For one, I have caused a lot of this pain. I have made choices in a state of mind that I knew wasn't healthy. Especially in my last relationship with D. I can see my many unhealthy reactions and choices made out of pain and trauma, and quite honestly, desperation to feel loved in that capacity. More than anything, I want to help others learn from my experiences (even as I am still learning). My biggest problem in all of this is that I haven't had any self compassion. I have had very little, if any, love for myself. I haven't respected myself. I haven't been true to who I really am and who I know I am always striving to be. I have had a victim mentality so many times. I hate to admit that, but it is true. I have laid in bed sobbing countless nights just pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me. To let me catch a break. I have been angry, felt sorry for myself, and have struggled with major depression and anxiety. 

 I wish I could say I am as amazing as so many other people who have gone through similar situations and have handled trials with such strength and grace, but I would be lying. The past few months since that relationship ended, I have had some of my darkest days. I dare say days that have been almost as dark as when my marriage was crumbling and I was finding more and more out about my ex husband. I never thought I would have to experience anything as horrific as that again as long as I lived. But here I am.  And not even necessarily because of the relationship ending. That was just one of the factors. It isn't the same kind of darkness, but the darkness seems just as black. I have had to sit with a lot. Not just that this "fairytale" that I thought I had finally been able to experience actually turned out to be just another nightmare, but one sole thing that I have truly never felt to the extreme I have felt the past three months... loneliness. Not even in the sense of physically being alone (although that is the case often too), but in the sense that I just feel like I have no idea what my purpose is anymore. I lost my mom who I knew I could turn to all the time, who was right there for me at the drop of a hat. I had my daughter enter a new phase of life where I am not playing the same role as I was even two years ago in her life. She is starting her own little family with her sweet husband. My son, who even though has some special needs, has become more independent than ever and also has moved to a new stage of life. And I lost a person that I truly believed I would be with for eternity. My life has become really "quiet". Even close friends have so much going on in their own lives, it is hard to get together. It has been a lot to get used to in the past 8 months.  And even though I can be sitting in a room full of people, even people I love more than anyone on the earth, I can feel completely alone. 

There have been many mornings that I wake up and don't want it to be a new day. Depression is not just a cop out to justify emotions or a way to say you are sad, or you feeling sorry for yourself. It can be a loosely used term. It is no joke. It is real and it can be ugly. I have struggled with it for many years on and off. I have wanted more than anything to feel that pure, genuine, everlasting joy, but it has been difficult. I then start to beat myself up. How can I be so sad when I have SO much to be happy about? I have an amazing family. A dad, brother, sister, their spouses, nieces, nephews, amazing friends, and most importantly, my kids that I love and am more proud of than I can put into words. I have an amazing career and an education. I have my faith in Heavenly Father, His Son, and the Gospel. I have my health. I always have all the necessities of life and so many luxuries as well. So why in the world am I not feeling that pure joy? Why can't I just feel happy? I ask myself that often. Now the sadness isn't consistent. I do feel happiness quite often, but it seems like it is always intermixed with a cynical little voice in my head reminding me that tomorrow will come and who knows what that will bring. I am still alone in the sense of not having that partner by my side. My kids have grown up and my role as a mother has evolved. My mom is still not going to walk through that door or call my phone. So how do I truly find that pure joy again? Why can't I just feel it now? Well, maybe I don't feel it as often as I want, but I as I have sat in this new phase of life, really discovering myself again, not turning to distractions like I used to, I do feel the pain more, but that is actually something I have needed to do for so long, and haven't. That is why I have made unhealthy decisions, lowered my standards, lost who I am at times. As dark, painful, and unbearable as it can be, it is necessary to go through this. It may sound strange to some, but if I continue to just put a band aid on the wounds that are so incredibly deep and need much more than a "quick fix", they will never properly heal. It's like trying wrap a fractured bone with an ace bandage and just hope it gets better. It will never properly heal unless it is taken care of to a more extreme level whether that is putting it in a cast or even having surgery. The same goes for emotional pain. That is something I have learned on such a profound level as I have gone through more emotional pain than I thought one could ever go through. I always have tried to put that band aid on. The band aid can come in many forms; getting on dating apps right away, wasting time on social media, making sure I am always with someone doing something fun, sleeping it away, etc. There are so many ways I have tried to take the pain away with quick fixes. But I am finally doing the "surgery". It isn't fun. It hurts. It is still going to take time for these wounds to heal, but I am doing it in the proper ways. I am not just masking the pain anymore. I not only need to fully heal for all the people around me that I love so much, but mostly I need to heal for me.