You Can Get What You Want...Or You Can Get Something Better.

 Healing from any kind of trauma takes time, a conscious effort, and major perseverance. As I have finally entered the healing process, genuinely ridding myself of so much toxicity and learning to love myself, it hasn't been an easy process. I have been extremely depressed, anxious, angry, panicked, with moments of happiness sprinkled in here and there. Healing isn't a fun process. It can be downright ugly in all honesty, at least when speaking for myself. 

After my daughter got married, it was a major transition to get used to. Life with her would never be the same. Of course I'm still her mom, but my role as her mom has evolved.  She has always been my right hand person. Who I do everything with and one of the two people my world has revolved around for the past 20 years. 

Three months later, losing my mom, especially as unexpectedly as we did, is something that I don't foresee me ever being completely "used" to. I still go to call her, text her, go in her room to talk to her, and then have reality hit me like a ton of bricks that she isn't here. She isn't going to respond to those texts or answer my calls. So much to try to wrap my head around with that still. It has now been over eight months and it is still so surreal. 

Four months after that, almost to the day that she passed, having things unravel about the person I genuinely gave my heart to, I thought the someone I had prayed my whole life for, who I truly believed I was beginning to build a life with. Coming to the realization that it was never genuine love. Being deceived to the extent I was. It was almost more than I could bear.

One month after that my son, my last child in school, graduated and has been preparing for the next big stage of life, as I am realizing, again, my role as a mother is evolving. I am still needed. We will always need our mothers. But the need isn't the same. It isn't that completely dependent need. 

I don't recall all of these events to have a pity party, but rather, to practice some self compassion. I have never allowed myself to really feel sad without beating myself up and having a nagging thought in my head reminding me that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, buck up, move on, and put a smile on. I am not saying that I have needed to set up camp in the sadness I have felt, but I most certainly have had reasons to be sad and I am learning that it is ok. I am human. We are all human. Too often the world promotes that we just need to find that quick bandaid to put on our wounds, our broken hearts, our trauma, and move on. That there isn't room for us to be sad. Again, I am not saying we should be living a life full of negativity, but being able to sit with really hard feelings of sadness, depression, even anger and work through those feelings. Not look for something to mask those feelings because masking those feelings will only permit that negativity to linger as long as those feelings are not properly worked through. Often times the things we turn to to mask or remedy that sadness are not always healthy. It can be so many different things; food, shopping, drinking, drugs, pornography, social media, etc. For me those "bandaids" came in the form of making sure I was talking to several people of the opposite sex. A lot of these men I even knew weren't really wanting to get to know me, but were only wanting to see what boundaries they could cross. I still would talk to them, went on dates with them, and even formed relationships with two of them just to fill that void of being alone. Another one of my "bandaids" was keeping myself busy. Always doing something. Now that might not sound like a bad thing, but in this sense, it was. I couldn't just sit and really work through my emotions, it was too much. It was too painful. So I would make sure I was doing something all the time to keep me from really dealing with those emotions. To take my mind off of the hurt and pain.

Since all of these events have come to pass in the past year, I haven't really sat and faced all the emotions. I have been working overtime to mask the feelings. To not have to feel them if I could help it...until the past four months. After D left, I have really been compelled in a way, to allow myself to sit. To not relentlessly search for bandaids. But to allow myself to feel. I haven't turned to those bandaids instantly to take away whatever pain they could take at the moment. It has been so incredibly painful that, a lot of days, I have literally shouted to Heavenly Father to please just give me cancer or some other form of a physical ailment. That I couldn't deal with the emotional pain anymore. I have had days where I have not felt even one moment of respite. I was waking up daily with my stomach in knots and my heart racing realizing that this was my reality. That all of these life changes were real and that I am "alone". My kids are grown and moving into new chapters, my mom is gone, and I still don't have that partner to share this life with. I was wondering daily what my purpose is. What is this? Why do I have to feel this pain and why was I so weak? Why couldn't I handle this like I know so many people that have gone through far worse than me have handled it, with grace and putting a smile on their face? I have wanted to hide from the world. There have been days I haven't even been sure how to make it to the next minute. 

These days have now become further and further few and in between. I have finally been able to learn how (and am still practicing) to have self-compassion. To not beat myself up for feeling some really intense emotions. But to really lean into those emotions and navigate my way through them. I have done this through writing, not only on here but in a journal. I have prayed relentlessly even when I didn't feel like Heavenly Father was listening to me. I made myself continue to talk to Him. To muster any amount of faith I could. I have continued therapy and have actually been utilizing the tools I have been given by these professionals to help me really heal. When I have had the desire to mask these feelings, I have instead sat with them, navigated through them. Tried to understand them and really ask Heavenly Father to help me work through them in  a healthy way. 

It isn't easy. I still have sporadic days of waking up with knots, wondering what my purpose is, not feeling peace, having major anxiety, and so on. But the most amazing thing I actually have finally been able to do is to feel a shift in my thoughts. I have really been able to know that I am going to be ok regardless of me not having the perfect Instagram looking life. That even if I never get married again and I am alone in that sense, that I will be ok. I will be happy. I will find the joy in the things that I know are surrounding me. So what does bring that pure joy? Where does it really reside? How do I genuinely feel it? I know with my whole heart that it comes from living a life that coincides with what my purpose IS here. And that is to work to live with My Heavenly Father and Savior again. To rely on Them to guide me through this life and immerse myself in service, and in doing other things that will bring me closer to Them. 

Healing is messy. It is painful. But I can always get what I want, or I can get something better.