When You Make the Choice to Heal, Amazing Things Happen…

Life is crazy. I don’t need to even say that because everyone knows it. Everyone has trials. Everyone has happy times. Everyone has times where you feel like you’re on top of the world. And everyone has times when without a moment's notice, that world shatters and you feel like you couldn’t get any lower. We all experience heartache. We all go through pain. We have moments of feeling success and victorious. We all have times where trauma can be experienced. 

I’ve thought a lot about my own life lately. I have thought about my experiences, my own pain and heartache. It seems like my life has been more traumatic than not in the last 12 years…but what have I done to help myself??? Actually, not a lot. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I have betrayed myself. Not once, not even a few times, but over and over. I’ve betrayed myself in several ways. I have told myself for so long that happiness seems too far out of reach. I have become so cynical in so many ways. I have allowed myself to settle for things that my core self would never have. I have been given so many tools through counseling, and most importantly, through the Spirit, but I haven’t utilized them like I should have.

This past couple of years have been a whirlwind of change, my world seemed to be tumbling all around me without any time to pick up the pieces before more would fall. Addie moved out, then got married, the death of my aunt, uncle, and then my sweet mom. The heartache of betrayal and such severe deceit in relationships. Koleman graduating. All through that, not nurturing myself and values. Only letting more trauma pile on top of previous trauma. I haven’t done my part in my healing. I haven’t done my part in finding that pure joy knowing where it resides and that is in the Gospel, my kids, and feeling my Savior and Heavenly Father’s pure love and guidance. 

This last spring and summer, I did some major soul searching. I have tried to catch my breath and go back and process all the major life changes whether good, bad, hard, or exciting. I took the time to really understand myself. To really allow myself to be happy and to be who I know I am. To stop holding my true self hostage. It was months of re-evaluating my actions, what I have and have not allowed in my life, my reactions to things and how to really be in a healthier mindset. The desire to have that eternal partner never subsided, but to actually put myself back out there where only horrible things have happened, was risky. I was cynical. There were no good men out there that weren't already married. All the men I had dated, not even just had relationships with, but went out with, talked to through dating apps, or met otherwise, they seemed to be all so similar in so many ways. I was feeling hopeless. Alone. Exhausted from the heartache and pain that continually seemed to come from not only relationships, but all the interactions of this nature. I was so discouraged and finally came to the conclusion that I would just wait until the next life to finally be with the person I have desired to find for so long. 

That is when he did come into my life. From the first second I spoke on the phone with him, I knew he was different. He was so genuine. He had so much going for him. He had a resounding love of the Gospel. I literally could feel his spirit without even being face to face. As we have been together, my trauma has continued to dictate, because I'M the one who has allowed it. I have questioned him, challenged him, doubted him but only when I allowed myself to go there. I have had it made known to me that he is pure hearted. He is not the "typical" guy I have interacted with for so many years. He is so different than the rest. How did I know this? He has been so consistent in his words and actions. He is patient and truly has a heart of gold. He shows love continually and never makes me feel otherwise. So why have I challenged him? Not trusted? Caused problems when they didn't need to be there? Because I wasn't allowing myself to heal. To really let go. I have had some hard things happen to me out of my control and at the ill will of others, but now it is up to ME to take care of the after affects. I am the one that needs to be in charge of my healing. I am the one that needs to let go. To unlock the chains around my heart. To tell the guard of my heart it's ok to take a break. This is safe. This is what real, genuine, CELESTIAL love feels like. I have never had that. I have never felt it. All I know is chaos, hurt, deceit, and fear. I have to literally train my brain to allow genuine love, peace, and trust reside in my heart and mind. 

It has been years. So many years of waiting for this person. Of needing to go through so much to refine myself and learn to be healthy. Because of him being that constant in my life, never doubting me, never shaming me, never even getting angry after all that I have put him through to get to this point, he STILL loves me. He STILL wants me. He STILL is the most patient person I have ever met. I get to call him my husband soon. My partner in life and for eternity. My best friend. He is an angel on earth and I know he was sent to me at this time to uplift me. I have never felt this love and it is something I never imagined I would, only longed for. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and His guiding hand. He knows. He TRULY knows. He has blessed me far beyond my wildest dreams. Marriage is hard. It can be messy. Especially second marriages with all of the extra factors to consider. But what is truly valuable and worth it, is NEVER easy.