Never Something to Push Under the Rug

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    I’ve talked a lot on here about my story. A lot of pretty crazy things happen in life that you would never expect. I can most likely say that for everyone that’s ever lived. I would have never, in a million years, fathomed my life would have had the bumps it has had. But here we are. And again, I’m sure that is pretty relevant to most, if not all, people. There are many unexpected things life throws in your path, some of those things can be amazing like finding out I was pregnant both times without planning it. Or when I unexpectedly took a chance on a career path I’d never even thought of. Or when I wasn’t expecting, at ALL, my amazing husband to come into my life. Great, unexpected things thrown in my own path. On the flip side, there have been a lot of unexpected hurdles that have been hard to jump over and, some, I’m still running into. Along with those hurdles came a deep amount of trauma. I don’t know that anyone goes through life without going through some type of trauma. I feel like you hear that word a lot these days. Not that it didn't happen since the beginning of time, I just think more and more, we are understanding the effects of what trauma can cause. 

I don't need to get into everything I have experienced in my life, because I have already done that in previous posts. However, what I haven't done, is talk about how I have ALLOWED trauma to affect me. I say the word allowed because I have had some very poor behaviors, knowing it isn't me or who I want to be, but continually allowing things to affect my reactions, behaviors, fears, and ways of thinking. 

I am sure I have said it on here before, but after my divorce in 2013, I actually felt as though I was the happiest I had been in a LONG time. It might sound odd feeling that way after just going through a divorce, but the marriage I was in hadn't felt like a marriage for a very long time. With all that I was experiencing in that marriage, it seemed as though it was a relief to be in a more peaceful and consistent place. I had grieved losing my husband long before the judge signed the decree saying that our marriage was no longer. I was in a place of having so much to focus on now. I needed to be the sole provider for my kids in every way. I needed to be there for them, because figuratively speaking, they didn’t have their dad anymore. Not the dad that they knew. The dad that would take them lizard and snake hunting, fishing, would play outside with them, and so much more. He was no longer and had been a different person for a very long time. My point is, I was extremely busy going back to school to finish my Bachelor’s Degree, and now had the new role of being a single mom. Considering the circumstances that were going on before my ex -husband left for the last time, I finally felt peace. I didn’t feel scared. I didn’t feel like I needed to be a detective everyday, or wonder what would happen next and if I needed to protect myself and my kids somehow. I just genuinely was able to focus on being a mom and was seeing a light that I had waited for, for a very long time. 

All of that being said, I didn’t get the help that I desperately needed after experiencing so much trauma in my life. I felt I was good. I was genuinely happy. I just wanted to be a mom and never be with another man again. I was content with that idea and fully believed that would be my life. Solely a mother. 

The major reason I write this, is to try to help anyone who has experienced ANY type of trauma and maybe pushed it to the side because circumstances improve immensely. It is never a good idea to not unravel the effects and get help. You will never be sincerely at peace. I definitely learned this the hard way so if I can help even one person, I will be happy.

The first instance I had when I realized (or I should say NOW realize) that the effects of trauma were coming through was when I started dating. It was almost 2 years that I didn’t date at all, which would have been the ideal time to have worked on myself and get the help I needed, so that when I did feel I was ready to move forward that way, I would be able to do so in a healthy manner…but, again, I didn’t because I sincerely thought I was just going to be alone in that regard for the rest of my life. I didn’t ever want to be in a relationship again. I never wanted to hurt like that again. Oh, if I only knew what was to come…So when I had someone ask me out on a date, I was not expecting it, and it took me completely off guard. But, it also made me realize that I actually probably didn’t want to be alone like that for the rest of my life and he was a very nice person, so I went. We went out several more times for about 3 months. He was a year younger than me and I was 34 at the time. He had never been married. One night, he told me it just wasn’t going to work between us and that we were better off just being friends…Although I didn’t expect to marry this person, I honestly didn’t know how to handle it. I felt like I was being abandoned again. I felt like I wasn’t worth it to anyone. I was devastated. What is wrong with me? Was the main thought going through my head repeatedly and on a daily basis. I didn’t want to let this just go. I couldn’t be abandoned again. I tried really hard to figure out why. Why was I not wanted? What did I do wrong? Why am I not good enough? And on and on were those thoughts consistently flooding my head. The hardest part was, he worked at the same school that I taught. I was reminded weekly that I was rejected.That I was not good enough, etc, etc, etc. The hardest part was he still would give me false hope. He was often coming in my classroom to talk to me. He was still asking me to do things as “friends”. Instead of setting a boundary that it wasn’t healthy for me to continue any kind of relationship with him, I would eagerly accept because there just might be a chance that I really wasn’t rejected. As time went on, I realized he was serious when he said he only wanted to be friends. It never changed. I felt stupid and so humiliated. 

 That was the start to even more trauma and it manifesting itself in so many different ways. I can’t reiterate enough that trauma should always be addressed however it comes in your life. I have so many examples and want to get it out there as to why it is SO important to address as quickly as possible.