The First Year Part 1

Life lately has been a definite roller coaster. It has been quite an adventure to say the least. I have been married for a year and a month now and I am still in awe! Meeting Steven was truly a gift and my greatest blessing. Getting to the point I am at this very moment, has been one of the hardest things, if not THE hardest thing I have ever done. As I’ve journeyed on this road, I’ve been humbled. I’ve learned far more than I ever thought I could and am continuing to learn. When Steven and I started dating, I thought I was healed from past relationship trauma. I thought I was ready. I was not only wrong, but even worse off than I was before in some ways…

I will never deny that I was supposed to meet Steven at the time I did. I know I was. What I also know, is that there were SO many things I should’ve recognized and should’ve been doing long before I actually have delved into the work to overcome the unhealthy mindset that I’ve allowed myself to fall into because of the trauma. I just recently (in the past few months or so) have been really diving in and doing the work. It is HARD. It is tiring. And it is SO worth it. Let me back up a bit... If I’m being honest, I don’t even know what I’ve written in the past few posts, so if I repeat myself, I apologize now.

I know I wrote about my story in my last relationship. But to reiterate (without telling that story again), there have been some life changing experiences these past four years that have been difficult, necessary, unexpected, and brought some joy in between. In 2020 not only did our world change in general with the plague of Covid, but my world changed in an even more drastic way. Addie graduated from high school and moved out. It was (and even four years later, still can be) one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Not having a husband, and putting my focus almost solely on my kids and then having them move on in life…It hurts and has left me wondering who I even am without them being dependent on me, living with me, and doing everything with them, around them, and for them. So having that milestone come in Addie’s life felt like getting hit by a Mack truck. The following year, I started getting really tired of funerals. My aunt passed away in September of 2021. I was really close to her growing up. Then just a month later my uncle passed away. A month after that, my mom and dad got COVID three days before Thanksgiving. Mom was hospitalized the Sunday after Thanksgiving with her oxygen level being in the upper 70’s. She wasn’t improving and was moved to intensive care the following Wednesday. The following Monday, on December 7, 2021, she passed away. Truly the HARDEST thing up to this point in my life and a funeral I never fathomed would take place at this time in my life and my kids' lives. Losing her so prematurely at only 65 has been more than I can bear a lot of days. It just seems like a nightmare that I keep having over and over again and that she’s really just away for a minute, and I still feel that way two years later. 

In the blink of an eye, Koley graduates from high school 5 months after my mom's passing, and it happens all over again. In the midst of all of that, going through some pretty intense relationship trauma, being betrayed in ways I didn’t think was humanly possible. 

I don’t mean to sound like “poor me” or a victim, I am just giving some background as to why I am even writing this post. Steven has been heaven sent. We met in September of 2022 and it was SO different than any other time I met anyone. We were able to talk about so many things, but the most important and different for me was that our outlook, values, and priorities in life were almost exactly the same. I knew after my last experiences that I wasn’t going to mince words and be upfront from the beginning. I told him that I probably would make him run, but that I had to be bold and let him know what a relationship should be like in my opinion. That I wasn’t playing games. First and foremost, the Gospel is my priority and focus, I wasn’t putting myself out there again to date for a “good time” and to go from person to person. I was shocked that he completely agreed and even loved that I felt that way because he felt the exact same way. We could talk about everything and anything and did for hours. I KNEW he was the cream of the crop and that I would NEVER find anyone like him. The difference was that his divorce was very, very, very fresh. I started having my many insecurities and caused a lot of grief for him, but he was so patient and did all  he could to show me how he felt about me. This is where I have needed to do a LOT of work. Steven and I were married in March of 2023. They say that the first year of marriage is always the hardest (which I have experienced before), but being on a second marriage and throwing SO much into the mix aside from how just two people do that are meshing their lives together like young 20 year olds do. Add in six kids, a son in law, living in different areas, different ways of doing things, moving to a new place, both of us being divorced, Steven still needing to process and heal from his, both of us going through major trauma in marriages, both of us brining in experiences of major betrayal, trying to overcome pain from other parts of our lives, and on and on...let's just say that this past year has been quite the learning experience. There is NOBODY I would rather have gone through it with, and in all honesty, nobody that would've stuck it out with me for that matter...