The First Year Part 2

 Going through a lot of trauma, like everyone has to some extent, can really dictate how you do things, your perspective on a lot of things, how you hold (or don't hold) healthy boundaries, the nature of your relationships, and on and on. Sometimes we don't know why we do what we do. Sometimes we don't even realize we do things in an unhealthy manner. Sometimes we realize we do things that are unhealthy, but we justify our actions because we have been the victim of things that have been done to us. Then there are times that we realize that although we have definitely been through things that are painful, not fair, harmful, etc, it is up to US to do the work to not allow those experiences to dictate our outlook and actions. Truly, one of the hardest things we can ever do and overcome. Especially considering the nature of the trauma we have experienced.

After I was divorced in 2013, I felt like I was in a really good place. I genuinely felt happy. I was so focused on finishing school, providing for my kids, and focused on them. I didn't date for two years. It was a time I felt like, "I had this". I went to therapy here and there, but not consistently and not for very long. I just felt like I was good.

As I began to date, that is when it was very apparent that I was most certainly not ok. I dated quite a bit in the eight of my ten years of being single after my divorce. It is truly a whole other world dating in your 30’s-40’s and being divorced. An experience I would never want to go back to. In those years of dating there were a lot of nice people, but interestingly, the two that I dated longest, were two of the most off of who I would’ve EVER had seen myself with or really desired. I felt like I was constantly saying thanks, but no thanks to some really nice people, but then I CHOSE to be in longer relationships with two people that didn’t treat me the best. The craziest thing about it is I couldn’t let them go even when I sincerely couldn’t see myself with them. Then why in the world was I even with them? It was such an unhealthy attachment. I had absolutely no self respect. I didn’t have healthy boundaries. I not only allowed myself to go through it, but my kids as well. The first person I was with for a longer period of time after my divorce would tell me he wanted me, he loved me, he even asked me to marry him at one point. In the same breath, I was told I was worthless, nobody would want me, I was crazy, he was leaving me, and on and on. But I stayed. I stayed for far too long. I stayed because I didn’t want to be abandoned again. I stayed because I started believing him. I mean why would anyone want me? My own husband chose a substance and other women over me. 

The second relationship I had was the same scenario as far as being with someone I never would’ve seen myself with. Someone who didn’t cherish the Gospel. Someone that I felt so yucky with, but didn’t understand why because the reasons were a lot more subtle than the previous relationship, but in all actuality, even more detrimental. I say that because with the subtlety, I was much more trusting than I should’ve been. I trusted when he told me he loved me. I trusted when he told me he wanted me. I trusted when he said he was there for me. I trusted to the extent that he was with me through the process of losing my mom, and at the same time not being faithful when going through the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

I don't need to get into the extent of those relationships (as I already have and that isn't my purpose right now). I just need to reiterate how unhealthy my mindset is and how I have let the traumatic things in my life dictate where I have been emotionally and mentally. 

When Steven and I met, I brought a lot of struggles because of my fears, my distrust, and my skepticism. The thing that is crazy, is I knew Steven was different than what had hurt me before. He was genuinely different. The biggest difference was his respect for me, his love of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, his values, and his foundation. I knew that he was a sincerely good person...however, I still didn't trust. Almost right off the bat of us knowing each other, I caused issues. I would get triggered over SO many things. From Steven going to the gym because I just "knew" that is where people go to cheat, to him not texting me back in the time I thought he should. I questioned him, his intentions, and didn't think I could trust (even though I knew he was trustworthy if that even makes sense). 

For whatever reason, he still chose to marry me. Even on our honeymoon, I was causing issues. Not feeling like he really wanted me. Not believing his intentions (as he MARRIED me). Putting this in writing is hard as I see even more how ridiculous my thought processes are.

I wasn't able to move up to northern Utah after we were married because I had to finish teaching for the school year. In that time, my unhealthy behaviors (that were literally almost daily) were actually escalating instead of getting better even though we were married.

Marriage is truly such a gift and the main part of Heavenly Father's plan for us, but boy can it be challenging. Being young 20 year olds getting married has major adjustments and challenges. Both people were raised differently, have different traditions, pet peeves, insecurities, interests, ways of doing things, etc. But the difference is, you're still young. You still have a lot of growing up to do and a lot of life to figure out. The beauty of this is, you get to do it together. So essentially you are helping each other "grow up" in a lot of ways. Learning how to budget, buy a car, buy a house, raise children, etc. Being on my second marriage, and being remarried at 42 years old, not only do we have all of those things to figure out, but now add our own kids that weren't raised together, a lot more life experience and years of being set in a certain way of doing things, feeling like you're under a microscope because you are now the "new one" when everyone else in his life only knew him with his ex-wife. A lot of comparison, judgement, and feeling as if I don't even get a fair chance just because I am his new wife. On top of all of that being brought into our marriage is a LOT of trauma. A lot of hurt. A lot of pain. And still a long road of healing from previous experiences. Needless to say, it has been hard. Beyond hard. At times it has even been unbearable. It just seems like there is so much against us on every level. And in reality, there is. Put aside all of the logistics of a blended family, there's trying to figure out my place with his girls because they already have a mom. It's hard to know how to be at times. They have been absolutely amazing and so accepting for the most part, but it's hard for them too. I am sure it feels like they aren't being "loyal" to their mom in some ways. It has also been a lot of change in the sense of moving to a new area, a new job, a new house, a new neighborhood, a new ward, and a whole new family as my kids are grown and raised and don't live with us. Although Steven still lives in the same area, he has SO much change and changes that are downright unbearable at times. He didn't want a divorce. He lost his kids full time, although my kids didn't have a dad in their lives, I was at least fortunate in the sense that I never had to send them away for a week at a time. I was in their lives 24/7. He not only lost his home and neighborhood, but has had to deal with a story that has been told about him that isn't true on any level and because of that, has been shunned by people that he truly believed were his friends. He has a lot of things he has to navigate that are HARD and it is truly on a daily basis. It is all new territory for both of us in so many different ways. Steven has also had to step into my issues of not trusting anyone, fearful of abandonment, and the belief I will never be good enough for anyone because of past experiences. So with that type of a mindset and perspectives, to say our first year of marriage was hard is truly an understatement.

We both know that hard things are usually worth working for. We both love each other. We have been there for one another in ways that I don't know others could have been. This is why I know that changing my perspectives, my unhealthy behaviors, and beliefs is imperative. I have become so much more self-aware and have begun to delve into this process of a long hard road that I know will lead to so much happiness and joy to be had as I do it with the support of Steven, God, and most importantly myself.